Reply to What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a widow, and I think anyone contemplating divorce for anything other than cheating, abuse or addiction should be forced to online date for 6 months and then decide. Because all the single people are broken or weirdos[/quote]

You can’t make “cheating” divorce worthy unless you would also divorce over “low sex marriage”.  Either sex is important, or it’s not. It can’t only be important when your spouse finds it elsewhere.
[/quote]

Well -we had a high sex marriage and he was having an affair.  We had a helluva lot more sex and variety of sex (3-4 times per week) than he had with his 1-2 time per month married whore.  [/quote]

Cheating happens in good marriages.  Affairs happen in good marriages.  It is NOT as true that anyone cheating does not have good sex in their marriage or love their spouse.  For men, in particular, that notion is more often not the case.

[b]From a therapist "Over the years, I’ve had countless clients tell me that they love their spouse, they have a great relationship, they enjoy each other’s company, they respect each other, they’re attracted to each other, the sex is good, and there are no money or family or other obvious relationship problems. The only real issue is that they’re cheating, and they can’t, or don’t, want to stop.[/b]

So there the cheater sits, happy in his or her relationship, but still cheating and wondering why. “Surely,” the cheater says, “there must be something wrong with me or with my relationship, or I wouldn’t be doing this.” And typically, a therapist will start to explore those possibilities with them, searching for an obvious underlying problem to explore and address.

What I have learned over the course of nearly three decades as a therapist specializing in sex and intimacy issues is that infidelity is often a symptom of a flawed personality or relationship, but not always. Some people are reasonably emotionally healthy and in a wonderful primary relationship, and they still choose to cheat. And this is true for both men and women. Sometimes the cheater has an attachment deficit disorder. Sometimes the cheater has unresolved childhood trauma and uses the excitement of illicit sex and romance as a distraction from painful feelings.

Esther Perel, who verbalizes this idea in her book The State of Affairs, suggests four reasons why people who are generally well adjusted and happy in their primary relationship might nevertheless engage in infidelity, risking their marriage, their home, their family, their standing in their church or community, and more.

For the betrayed partner, sexual betrayal hurts the same, no matter the underlying cause, and there is no good reason to do it. From a therapy standpoint, however, [i]the reasons[/i] a person cheats do matter. If a person is happy in his or her relationship and cheats as a way of exploring the self, [i]the approach to healing is very different than with a person who cheats as a (misguided) way of addressing personal pathology, unresolved childhood trauma, emotional immaturity, [/i]or problems within the relationship.

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Cheating results from the perpetrator having a flawed personality. It's nothing to do with their marriage or the victim. It's as simple as that.

In most cases the cheating will occur again, in some that person can be helped.[/quote]

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