Reply to Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?[/quote]

+1  The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking [i]her [/i]to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet.  Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.[/quote]

That's not what he has said.  He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.  [/quote]

Op here

This is correct. My wife does not want to pay our sitter an extra $40/day (we pay her $20/hr for after school care) so that I can spend 2-3 hours with my mom in the afternoon.

Im off at 3, but my parents live 1 hour from my work. I would get home around 5PM, my wife gets home at 6. Normally we had a sitter pick our kids up from school and watch them until I got home at 3:30. But we would now need them to watch the kids from 7-5:30. My parents live 1 hour from my house.

My wife does not like my sister in general. She is married to an alcoholic and his behavior at holidays has been terrible. He is completely useless and can’t be trusted to watch his mother in law. My sister has spent many nights at our house with her kids, saying she’s going to leave him but she never does. I think my wife kind of lost it after she helped my sister get set up with counselling and a plan to leave and she never followed through:

My wife is a social worker and is vehemently opposed to the idea in general. [/quote]

Okay - this is a really helpful update and I now understand where you're coming from. If I were your wife, here's where I would compromise:

1) Your sister says she can maybe swing 1-2 days - she HAS to commit to two. Leaving you with the other three days. She can pick which two, but it's the same two, every week, and if you have to read her the riot act, do it. 
2) There HAS to be a plan, right now, before I would agree to anything, as to what happens when your mother can no longer be in the house alone. This day is COMING SOON no matter what your father and sister think, and it will NOT wait for your father to retire. So - figure it out NOW. If tomorrow, your mom can't be alone, what's the plan? Is it for your dad to immediately retire? If so, he needs to agree to that. Is it to go to a facility? If so, which one? Is it to have home health aids? If so, who will pay for it? You have leverage right now. Use it to get everyone on the same page. 
3) $40 extra three times a week is roughly $520 per month. You review your budget and find something you can sacrifice to pay for at least most of that. Is there a line item in your budget that's higher because of your preferences? That's where I'd start. Downgrade your car? You do more cooking so there's less ordering takeout? Obviously unless you're wealthy, $520 a month will hurt, but you better make sure that it hurts you at least 2x as much as your wife. Also don't forget to add in additional gas $$ for all the travel.

With those three things in place, if I were your wife, I'd agree to spend the extra money so you could take care of your mom 3x per week.[/quote]

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