Reply to I think my MIL overstepped

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think older generations see the "friends vs family" thing as a bigger divide than younger generations. In my family we don't let friends see us at our worst, only family. I'd frankly be annoyed my friend told me. She is making this about her by telling you and I think that's inappropriate. This should be a time for family bonding and further bonding w MIL and she kind of inserted a fart into it.

I'd concentrate on the positive- baby and family are all fine. MIL did something dumb in a time of stress- I'm sure she was worried during your labour about you and baby. No big deal.

If you get pg again, then's the time to address this clearly if the plan is for her to be at the hospital again "hey, I know you didn't think I'd want to see my friend, but I really did want to see her, so if when she shows up, please help welcome her in for a visit".[/quote]

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My close friends are my family of choice. They are closer to me than any ILs. If I made plans for my friend to be present and my MIL sent her away/left a FB message telling her to stay away, I would want to know. Because that's absolutely disrespectful to me and my family.

The MIL doesn't get to decide who is important to OP. If OP wanted the friend present, then the friend should've been present. MIL was out of line. [/quote]

I'm not a MIL, just to get that out there.

But I think one thing a lot of posters are missing here is that while your friend might be more important to YOU, and you are important as you are birthing, your friend (hopefully) will not be more important to your CHILD than your ILs. Your ILs aren't ILs to your baby, they are their grandparents. In the story of your child's life, the fact that her grandparents (on both sides) are there is more important than your friend. In the story of YOUR life it is more important that your friend is there. Both are fine but the perspectives of everyone are different so miscommunication is so easy.

There's nothing wrong with having friends at your birth if you want them there, but PP is right about how older generations view the divide between friends and family. This doesn't mean MIL did the right thing, but it puts her actions in context and it makes it make more sense. Unlikely to have been done out of malice and more of how MIL understands the difference between friends and family. [/quote]

NP.  I think what you're missing is while MIL might feel that way, she doesn't get to impose that on everyone else. And the mean-spirited FB message afterward is very telling of her motive.  Maybe MIL gets the benefit of the doubt for the initial dismissal of the friend of that's all that happened, but to then send the FB message? Now it's no longer a simple "difference of opinion" and instead is a very obvious and intentional power play.[/quote]

I think what you are either missing or choosing not to read into my post is that I'm not saying MIL is right. I'm saying that understanding where she was coming from can put her actions in context. Someone can do the wrong thing for understandable reasons or they can do the wrong thing out of spite or jealously. If my MIL did something mean out of spite and jealously I would be much more angry than if she did it from a misguided sense of familial privacy intended to protect me. I can be upset in both instances, I can bring it up with her in both instances, but one is a MUCH more serious offense.

My mom would also be incredulous if a friend showed up to the hospital and I could see her sending a message like that. It wouldn't be a 'power play' it would be, like pp said, a person who can't fathom including someone outside the family circle at that time. She'd be wrong, but she wouldn't be acting maliciously. Those of you so eager to attribute malice to this woman are setting themselves up to have antagonistic relationships with their relatives. Think the best of others, you'll be right most of the time. [/quote]

I don't think there is ANY way to frame MIL's actions as right or proper, PP. I posted a couple pages ago that it is also important to note that the reason all this is coming out now is that MIL lied about what happened, said that the friend left on her own after she found out that OP was having a hard time in labor, and the friend only explained the situation recently.

I understand people who think that birth should be a family-only occasion, and that is fine for those people who feel that way. OP is clearly not one of them, since she specifically invited this friend to be present. The birth of a child marks a turning point in the relationship between children and parents/parents-in-law. MIL does not get to dictate who gets to be present and who is excluded any more than she gets to dictate whether the OP gets an epidural or not or what she names the child. This is an instance of MIL overstepping her role, and I personally feel that that behavior should be addressed and corrected before it turns into similar oversteps in her grandparent role.

I understand the "go along to get along" perspective. My best friend has a MIL who oversteps her boundaries a lot too, particularly w/r/t friends vs. family on special occasions, etc. My friend has historically written off what I would consider gross oversteps because she doesn't want to have a fight with her MIL. The result of that has been that her MIL has gradually insinuated herself into the kids' life in ways that seem, to me, to be attempts to overrule my friend and her husband. For example, MIL joined the PTA at the kids' school and added herself to the emergency contact list at the school such that when my friend's daughter fell down and hurt her leg, MIL was the one who got the call, picked up the kid, and took her to urgent care. She called my friend after they'd finished the doctor visit and didn't understand why anyone was upset or found this inappropriate.[/quote]

Could you point out where I said MIL's actions were right or proper? I feel like you are intentionally reading my posts as to avoid my point. You don't react to someone doing the wrong thing the same way. You don't react to a murderer the same way you react to someone with a noise violation. Doesn't mean whatever crappy thing you did to get a noise violation is 'right and proper'.
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