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[quote=Anonymous]- Secretive (anything that used to be accessible suddenly is a violation of privacy)
- Changes in phone usage patterns (new password, billing change, often unavailable, frequent connectivity &quot;issues,&quot; new add'l phone, on the phone with mysterious people, appears to discontinue/ignores a call/text from someone they typically wouldn't ignore, i.e. it's a cover)
- Changes in &quot;work&quot; habits (suddenly needed at work more often, on electronic devices more, new/frequent work travel --&gt;travel jobs always risky)
- Preoccupation with appearance (diet, hairstyle, men:facial hair change, exercise, wardrobe, etc.)
- Chatty about a particular person (can't stop thinking of him/her and just HAS to share about them)
- Downplays your concerns (dismisses or argues with you)
- Suddenly less available (whether long work hours, trips, busy at home or out with friends, pulls away emotionally, in addition to relationship development, it takes time to cover your tracks)
- Confrontational (argumentative, critical, blaming, adversarial, defensive of others)
- Evidence (photos/phone #s left on phone history, receipts, sometimes a cheater will even leave evidence of the affair in a desire to get caught... receipts, lingerie, condom, diary)
- Social Changes (changes in social patterns: perhaps you aren't invited with group any longer, or he/she stops hanging out with same group, or others previously in your social circle aren't responding to you in the same way)

In my experience, these behaviors and changes come in stages and that it was through long-term patterning that I was able to see with 20/20 hindsight as to what was really going on. It is no one thing that spells an affair rather the culmination of multiple items like the above combined with a 'gut' instinct that tells you something is going on.

My XH cheated with at least one woman. He admitted to a long-distance emotional affair with a high school friend (and I found evidence to support that) but he ended up marrying another woman from his job who was also going through divorce at the time and he eventually started a new family with her. I did all that I could to make amends but learned that he was unhappy in our marriage and had already moved on long before he ever told me what was going on. It was, of course, easier/more comfortable for him to look elsewhere than to try to fix the problem. For a couple of years post separation, he was deceptive about who his wife-to-be actually was (she had changed careers) as he wanted to throw me off but years later, in checkking to see if my DD had been included in any public wedding photos (I would have requested they be made private), I saw the Facebook profile photos and her in her old work uniform. It all came together; memories flooded back and filled in the blanks. At the time of our separation, I had been friends with his co-workers who saw the flirtation but no one would tell me when I approached a few of them in private. Months of marital therapy ended in him admitting he was just going through the motions, biding his time until his job moved him out of state. He gave me &lt;2 was notice that my 4 yo daughter and I were not moving with him. I had been a SAHM and had invested years of prime career-building years into his career. FF to today, we get along (it's easier to just be civil and better for my kid) and I have moved on but his lack of admission and ownership (he blamed me) has created a lack-of-closure wound and a sort of PTSD. I hope one day to find a mutually fulfilling relationship with a mature, evolved and responsible Man. For now, I'm busy with my career and raising my child and I can't think of a more important job. Best wishes to you![/quote]

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