Reply to Help Needed for 12 YO - Out of Control/Defiant

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You need FAMILY therapy.  There may or may not be a separate issue with your son -- but you need to closely and humbly consider your role as parents as well.  If you're only seeing this behavior at home, then you need to look to all possible causes before you create an "identified patient."

It sounds like you're locked in a punitive, confrontational cycle with him.  How exactly to you expect him to be a pleasant member of the family when you've basically turned your home into a prison for him?  (No TV, no phone, no computer).  Obviously you have to set limits and impose consequences; but you can't expect to make his homelife miserable and have him act happy at home.

You desperately need counseling FOR YOURSELVES to learn productive ways of dealing with him.  I STRONGLY recommend reading the Alan Kazdin books.[/quote]

We set many limits and laid out expected behaviors, such as no porn and no sending dick pics, which he did anyway.  Are we supposed to say ok just don't do it again but here keep your phone.  It is a repeated pattern of failing to follow rules, which results in a loss of that privilege.
He has been offered the ability to earn back the privilege by attending counseling, which he refuses.

We don't take away these things for fun.

By the way for everyone thinking we are awful parents, we have a 15 year old with no such issues.

I don't think people here comprehend the level of defiance and violence being described here because no one of you have ever witnessed or experienced.

I'm open to suggestions from others who have experienced the same type of behaviors and for those with no experience I would ask you keep your advice (opinions) to yourself.
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