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[quote=Anonymous]OP, if there are enough others present at this baby shower, they can act as a buffer. I'm not suggesting you ask them to do anything, just saying that the mere presence of a group larger than just you, DH, BIL and SIL could help prevent the brothers from getting into any real conversation.

I'd go, and before going I'd discuss with DH what he will do there--In other words, if you go alone and DH pleads work or whatever, fine, but if DH also goes to the shower, he should go planning to occupy himself speaking to other relatives and fetching you some punch - whatever it takes so he goes in there with a conscious decision that he will not engage with BIL. DH can say a cordial hello to BIL, should immediately turn his (DH's) attention to a very nice greeting for SIL, and then occupy himself with others. If BIL tries to speak with him, DH can plan what he'll say that's light and "on the surface" as you put it, and should then redirect himself and BIL by involving a third person like another relative in the conversation. Thinking about this stuff in advance can help, if DH is willing to do so.

Have an exit plan, too. Mention to SIL/MIL before the shower that you'll need to leave around X o'clock since you need to get home for (insert vital child-related event here, or whatever). No open-ended lingering; I hope the event has an ending time on the invitations--? Stick to the exit plan even if things are going OK and DH and BIL are not getting at each other. Better to leave on a good note than stay a bit too long and have things start to unravel.

All that sounds pretty controlled and controlling, yes, but if it means that your SIL gets a pleasant, feud-free shower, and that you are not driven into worse anxiety, then it's worth thinking through how to handle things [i]before [/i]the event.

OP, I hope it goes OK. With anxiety, it can become easy to just avoid anything that might increase the anxiety, but that can end up meaning the anxious person starts to avoid a lot of life situations.

Have you talked with your therapist about strategies for handling this event, OP? And does your husband really understand about your anxiety and how his behaviors exacerbate it at times? Maybe he needs to talk to your therapist, if that's the done thing, to start learning how his actions affect you--?[/quote]

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