Reply to Help!! Cant control my six year old

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What usually sets her off?  And why does she rage for 2 hours?  Is it because you are trying different things to calm her down?  That might be ramping it up more.  Or do you sometimes just do nothing and she still rages for long periods of time afterward?  I ask because there may be more going on if she rages for long periods of time for no apparent reason.   But your engaging her "is" something that can keep the anger going.

I can't really address the long rages, but I can talk about what's helped me with my child who has anger management issues, too.

1)  1, 2, 3, Magic.   The people who hate this always harp on why give a kid three chances to mess up?  But that's not what it does.  It actually starts a count-down that puts a child on notice to regulate their behavior.   I like the count down because it helps me identify and manage my own anger/irritation/frustration with whatever my kid is doing.  It's just like telling someone who's mad to count to 10 and take deep breaths.

2)  The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. This one uses positive reinforcement to help a child learn to regulate behavior in an appropriate way.  He also explains why many reward systems fail and what to do about it.

3)  My experience:  Two things.  I have anger issues of my own, and my kid really needs structure.   I've learned to manage my anger better, and I explain it to my son when I'm doing it.  My biggest weakness is when I'm late and traffic is bad.  I'm all sorts of mad and say stuff in the car I shouldn't.  Not modelling anger management well at all.   I've changed a lot, and I've narrated my thought processes to him to show him how.   And he has noticed.

Structure.  Same bed time every night.   Clear expectations of family rules.   Same consequences for failure to meet those rules.   And positive reinforcement when he "does" manage his anger and when he "does" go to bed without complaint, etc.

Teaching your child to be a problem solver.  Some anger is because they have a problem they can't fix.  Why did your daughter want to stay up?  Playing something fun?  Scared to be alone?  Something else?  Tell her the two of you are problem solvers.  How can you work together to fix the bedtime fight?  (Talk about this in the morning).  What does "she" think would work?  Maybe she just wants 15 minutes more.  You could tell her fine, we'll move your bedtime to 9:15 instead, as a trial run, but if you start having trouble getting up in the morning, we'll have to move it back to 9pm, OK?   That gives her some feeling of empowerment, and that goes a long way in minimizing anger in kids.

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Yes, I think it becomes a bigger problem when I try different things. I need to be better at setting and keeping rules/consequences. Thank you for your advice.[/quote]

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