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[quote=Anonymous]OP here. Yes, fingering - sorry to be unclear, I think I was sort of subconsciously deferring to a more clinical description because of the subject matter.

Thanks to those who've replied. I definitely very strongly recommended that she seek counseling about it. She seems to be having a real trauma response after this last incident, but is questioning if that's warranted and I think trying hard to quell the feelings. I hope a therapist will be helpful, but I honestly wanted to sort it out for myself too, so that I can be appropriate and supportive when it comes up again, which I expect it may because we are very close and I know that she is not speaking with anyone else about this.

I think what is so shocking about it to me is that this guy is so very beta (to borrow a descriptor I just saw in another thread) in general, super nice and low key, it is just hard for me to imagine why in the hell he would do this. They have lots of kids. He knows what she went through in her previous/abusive marriage and how much she has worked to overcome a lot of what happened, has always been very supportive of her. The whole thing is just bizarre, especially his reaction when she spoke with him about it. [/quote]

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