Reply to Custody agreement - clauses regarding school attendance

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.

1. I would be more willing to be flexible if he was at least notifying me that he was keeping her out of school. Last year, several times, I found out about this because the school called me. In the situation we're in right now, I actually found out about the weekend trip from DD (she is 6). Ex and I were communicating about something else and he mentioned that they were leaving on Thursday evening. It's not clear to me that he ever would have told me. The weekend trip is out of state, to see his girlfriend's family. They have made the trip before, but he has always informed me.

2. I don't think this is a finances issue. He is well off and more or less debt free (unless he has developed a gambling problem in the years since our finances were mingled). I think it's simply a situation where he does not consider her going to school to be important, because she's a smart kid who will inevitably do fine no matter what. Unfortunately because we're out of bounds at our school, if she misses too many days, we are at risk of losing our seat. He does not take that seriously.[/quote]

I am sympathetic with you in the sense that I think it's important to establish the principle now that you can't skip school.  But, I can also see the Dad's perspective -- she's smart, she's not missing anything academically, so what's the problem?  If kids are going to be pulled out of school, elementary is the time to do it, especially if they are bright, because then they really aren't missing anything.

What's the situation with homework?  Is he asking for it before he goes on the trip?  Is he making her do it on his time?  Or is that burden falling on you?  If the latter, then I would handle it thus -- when the teacher or school calls and asks, "where is the child," I would simply say, "I am not the custodial parent right now, you have to contact my ex-husband at phone #.  He is the one that is supposed to be bringing her to school.  My custody resumes on X date, and I can assure you she will be in school when she is back in my custody and I'd be happy to work with you then.  Until then, please discuss any ramifications of missed school and a plan to make up work with him."

Unfortunately, he really doesn't have to inform you about any of his activities on his custody tiime.  I agree informing you about going out of state is a courteous thing to do, but many people aren't courteous.

I would simply write him an email on the subject.  Acknowledge up front that you support his taking DD on vacations, but you hope in the future he can keep it to non-school times.  Then provide a written copy of any documentation showing any school policies on unexcused absences as well as the terms of your out-of-boundary seat.  Most schools have something written on what does or does not constitute an excused school absences and what the consequences are (loss of credit in HS, not much of a consequence in ES other than your specific situation of being out of boundaries and possibly losing a seat).  Truancy charges are a very remote possibility at this age, so I really wouldn't raise that as an issue, it just makes it look like you are creating drama.  In any case, if it ever got to the point that truancy charges are brought, it only works against continued custody for your ex. Ask if he is going to miss school with her that he let you and the school know and that he get DD's homework and make it up with her on his time.  It's really not fair for you to have to spend your custody time making up homework that wasn't done because she was out of school.

What happens if you lose the seat at this school?  Where would DD have to go?  Is that preferable for him?  Is pulling her out some way of getting what he wants in a roundabout way?

Honestly, if it gets to the stage where she is in danger of losing the seat, you will have notice and ability to appeal.  In preparation for that situation, I would just make sure she has never missed school in your custody and use the situation to change custody or get something written in the order.  It's very unlikely that a school will eject a smart non-troublemaking DD once they understand that a lame parent is the problem.

Bottom line -- yes it's crappy parenting, no he's not ever going to acknowledge that, yes DD will pay a certain price, but it's unlikely to be anything serious and if it becomes that you will likely have options to appeal.  So, just document.  Polite emails every time DD misses school saying you really think it's important she's there and hopes he can plan differently next time.  [/quote]

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