Reply to Codependent parents with multiple children, what happens when one falls for it and the other doesnt?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]In codependent parent with multiple children, do you favor one child over the other? Is it because the favored child is easier to manipulate and control? What chance does the unfavored child have to maintain any sort of relationship?

Also, is your spouse also codependent?  do you find spouse will stand up to you or for you more?

Please feel free to respond if you are also a child of a codependent parent. [/quote]

I'm responding as the DIL of a codependent MIL and SIL. SIL is the youngest of DHs siblings and the only girl. MIL and SIL are both married, but are each other's primary emotional and social support and both have a very positive opinion of their closeness. MIL tries to actively parent all of her middle age children, but SIL and her daughter are the clear favorites and center of attention. SIL loves being on the receiving end of near-constant communication (several daily phone calls, hourly text conversations, multiple visits per week, tons of gifts and $ support). They plan lots of girl getaways together to concerts, spas, etc.

As a duo, they are able to justify and admire niece's horrible behavior. (Niece is a human version of the cat in the Cinderella animated movie.) SIL and niece don't have friends but don't seem to notice because they are wrapped up in how special the family connection is.

For our household, I would say it causes a lot more dismay and annoyance than rifts. DH's parents are wealthy and even though it stings a bit sometimes to see such a lavish disparity, it's theirs to do with as they want. Back when I first married into the family they used to say how they couldn't wait for me to be included on these girl trips too, and at first it stung a bit when that never panned out despite my expressed interest and availability. They are certainly entitled to their time and to be honest it's no longer tempting now that I understand what a third wheel I'd be. I also won't leave my younger DD for visits if niece will be there because MIL loves DD but has a huge blind spot for niece's very quiet but very powerful style of bullying. She actively punishes DD for any positive attention grandma shows her, and MIL & FIL are "not allowed" to mention any visits to see our family in front of niece because "she wouldn't be able to handle it."

So in a nutshell, the 3 involved in the codependency see it as a loving and close bond. Everyone else sees it as a hot mess that is getting harder to manage the older niece gets. Any attempts to discuss the various issues are immediately shut down by MIL and SIL because HOW DARE YOU.[/quote]

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