Reply to About to split from child's father - Formal custody & support agreement or reach our own?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I agree to get it in writing and have it approved by a court. I'm not sure how that works when there is no divorce but a family lawyer can tell you.

While it's great to have it in writing and court- approved, bear in mind that custody orders are always modifiable, upon a showing of changed circumstances, if the court finds it is in the best interests of the child. [b]So the PP who spent $80K - I'm not sure if this makes you feel better or not, but your ex could have sought a change in custody even if you had a formal, written agreement. It might have been more difficult, but he may have done it anyway, and if he pushed it far enough that you spent $80K he probably would have sought the modification anyway. [/b]

OP, I recommend taking care of this promptly. If you are amicable, this is the time when you are both most likely to reach agreement easily. The more time that goes by after the separation, the further you move apart in terms of living your lives and in my experience the harder it becomes to agree on things. [/quote]

PP here. 
That was the problem. We had a verbal, amicable arrangement for both of our children. We didn't have a child support/custody order filed with the courts. So you can imagine what happened when I sent DC1 and DC2 for their usual summer visit and he and his new SO decided not to send them back to me. "Modifying" our agreement didn't cost him a dime. I can assure you if he would have had to pay up front for an interstate battle, that never would have happened. Part of that figure was his non payment of our verbal child support too.

If you would have told me at the time we made this agreement that he'd ever be capable of such malice I would have never believed you. People change. [/quote]

Wow, PP, so sorry you had to go thru this.  If you don't mind my asking, did you get them back?  How long did they stay in his custody before the courts resolved the situation?  Were you able to file for some kind of temporary return to your custody before the whole thing was finally ordered?  What was the effect on your kids -- did they start school in the new location?  How did they feel about the whole situation?

Hope things are better now.  [/quote]

I did get them back but it took a bit over 4 months to get a temporary custody order while we battled everything out in court. EXDH and his SO put them in public school in the new location but neither child was doing well, no doubt due to the emotional trauma. The legal battle went on for nearly 2 years and the children unavoidably got caught in the middle. They were 8 and 14 at the time - so very well aware of the situation. The 3 of us spent a few years with a therapist working through some of this. Lots came out in counseling, that eventually came out in court, about what was happening but the basics were they were being mistreated emotionally and eventually physically while with Dad. They weren't allowed to leave the house (they nailed the windows shut and put locks on the doors), couldn't call me, talk to me or even talk about me. They had to stay in the same room with Dad's SO and were constantly being told how horrible I was and that they just didn't see it. Eventually the SO started slapping the oldest for trying to stand up for herself and at one point held the child to the floor and sat on her chest. So much went on. I just cried. It was the most helpless feeling I'd ever known.

By the time the oldest turned 16, they'd both made it clear to their Dad and his SO that they weren't coming back. Oldest had had enough and the youngest made it clear that constantly being put in the middle of things made her unhappy. (I'd never once spoken ill of her father in front of her). At that point he stopped sending for them and they stopped visiting. Though it might have been the fact that I kept child protective services on his heels that made him back off.

The youngest turns 18 in a few months and will graduate from high school next year. She's consistently maintained a 3.8 or higher GPA, wants to go to medical school and rarely speaks to her father. She is and I suspect always will be socially withdrawn. She still sees a counselor. The oldest became a social worker working with troubled teens. Their mother is honored to have 2 of the most amazing kids in the world.  [/quote]

That sounds like an absolute nightmare. I am so sorry your girls had to go through that, and you had to witness it. But you did great fighting for them and getting them back. 
[/quote]

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