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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Dear OP, It is hard to understand the thinking of an abuser because the abuse is, in itself, irrational..... I was in an abusive relationship for years and finally left, got help.... Asking why? or why didi it escalate? isn't productive I think because there is no rhyme or reason to it.... There is often the analogy of the frog in the frying pan, where abuse victims get conditioned/numb to the abuse and don't realize it until it escalates further... I am so sorry to hear about your relative, but I agree with others that I would turn your focus to helping her so she does not perpetuate the cycle of abuse.... BTW, it is typical for abusers to blame their victims -as the mother in this instance apparently has done -very common behavior = you might find the Patricia Evans Book "tHe Verbally Abusive relationship" enlightening in terms of trying to get into the mind of an abuser and answering your question about covert become overt..... [/quote]

Thank you, PP, for this perspective. It's helpful to hear from people who've been through somewhat similar experiences. As I read responses on this thread, I realize I'm going to need to focus on directing my young relative's attention away from the question of what caused the escalation. This is a question that's become very important to her, and this may have influenced me to become rather preoccupied by it, too. Perhaps we're looking for rational causes where there are none, as you suggest.

I'm sorry to know you were in an abusive relationship. Glad you're in a better place now.[/quote]

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