Reply to Helpful mantras for giving young teens room to grow?

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[quote=Anonymous]Depending on the situation:
"Not a hill to die on."

"Form or substance?"

"Morals matter. Does this?"

"Caring, not coercive and controlling."

"She's only going to learn to be independent if you let her be independent. Give her skills and watch her soar."

"Every human has the right to make their own choices."

"She's her own person first and my child second. Give up the control, mom."

"She's competent and confident now let her show it."

"My morality means this must be her choice." Repeat frequently.

"She's her own person with her own path. She will feel free to be her. I will not be my mother." Repeat as needed.

I love my mom and she was a good mother by all objective standards. I'm a moral, successful, productive, mildly religious and patriotic, charity-supporting, social justice advocating, employed in a respectable job, adult. She raised me well. But she was also hugely overbearing with her hovering and her specific chosen path for me, and I was utterly terrified to come to her as a young adult and tell her I wanted to (and then had) decide(d) to travel my own path different from what she had wanted.

I was heavily sheltered and controlled as a child up through my college years, and although it was in the name of protection and moral guidance and worked in that regard it was massively stifling and had a clear negative impact.

My DD will feel free to be her own person and make her own decisions without my coercive control. I will take the best lessons from my mother, but my child will be her own person with clear agency over her own life.
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