Reply to Elderly parents/in-laws: how to help them recognize it's time to move?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here's the thing: Does your MIL want to live as long as possible or live in her house as long as possible? Those aren't the same thing. I would urge you to consider what your ILs' ultimate goals might be...and if MIL goes first, FIL can move. If FIL's health collapses, have researched nursing homes where you are and health aide options here.

I don't see how forcing a mentally ill, verbally abusive frail woman to move is actually going to be good for anyone--not her, not you, not DH who she isn't close to. It is late in the game to change the rather less than ideal path they are on--and really late for you tackle any underlying dysfunction. [/quote]

Honestly, I think MIL is just scared. Of everything. Scared to move. Scared of her current reality. Scared of the big What If should her spouse be unable to continue caring for her. She realizes she's in terrible health and entirely dependent on others. I spent several hours with her yesterday trying to clean the room in which she spends all day and all night. I think even she was shocked by how filthy it was. I approached it all very gently and made sure she was doing okay as we went along through the cleaning. In three hours, I was only able to make a tiny dent in getting her space reasonably habitable. I'll be spending another full day with them soon just to try to get that room to be less of a health hazard. I don't think it's her goal to stay in her home as long as possible. She's been stuck in a single room (that's not even a bedroom) for the last several years. Her home as she had known it has closed in on her to the point where she can't access common areas like the dining room because she can't safely get there (stairs - mobility and lung capacity makes the five steps of the split level a fifteen minute journey).

You ask good questions, though, and I should probably pose those questions to my in laws. I absolutely hate that this responsibility is falling on me. It's clear that there have been BIG issues that should have been addressed decades ago. But here we are, so we'll just have to do the best we can given circumstances that exist. [/quote]

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