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Reply to "Elderly parents/in-laws: how to help them recognize it's time to move?"
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[quote=Anonymous] Have you tried the state Department on Aging in your state and in their location? Sometimes also known as an "Office on Aging" etc. but most jurisdictions have some form of government department that handles issues related to the elderly. They should have lists of assisted living facilities and other resources for you. Also, is your MIL seeing a doctor, considering all her medical issues? I would contact that doctor and if his or her office specializes in geriatric issues, ask them to direct you to resources. OP, I have been here both as the adult child trying to get a parent into assisted living, and as a friend observing an elderly friend having to sell her home and move into assisted living. Please consider that uprooting them from the area where they now live and moving them to another state, even if you would be close by to help out, may be bad for their mental and emotional health. Elderly people who have lived in the same area for a long time often have roots that keep them going--friends, houses of worship if that's their thing, even just getting familiar food from familiar restaurants (actually an issue with my older friend--she would eat a lot more and be in better shape if she could eat what she truly likes, which she could not in her first assisted living home; she lost a lot of weight which harmed her health,and the food was a key reason she moved to another facility). I knew my mother very well and had she been moved out of her home town, she would have withered quickly. Her friends -- who like her were getting older -- could not have visited her beyond maybe once every few months if she'd gone to live in my brother's town. We had to consider how her relationships, and her very real attachment to her house, affected her mental health. Yes, my brother and his wife would have been around more to help, but my mother would have been deprived of friends she'd known for decades. I know that we adult children think that having parents near us for our help is the ultimate solution, but it isn't necessarily so. Is it possible for your in-laws to be cared for in their own home? Increasingly there are companies that do just that -- provide home health care. I know you wrote that "no amount of home health care (barring 24 hours) would suffice" but have you actually considered the possibility of 24-hour home health care, or at least care that's there during all hours but sleeping hours? It's tough to navigate that world and find the right people who work well with elderly parents, but it can be done, unless finances are so strained it's impossible financially; however, assisted living facilities are very pricey as well, and might be more expensive than in-home help in many areas. Your husband or you would have to spend some substantial time at their location while vetting firms and individuals. But it's something to think about if you have not seriously considered it. You say your MIL is "housebound primarily by choice" and unwilling even to go out to dinner, but do you see how that might be a sign of depression, early stages of dementia, or just plain fear of the world? In other words, what you might view as her wrong choice to be housebound could be something she views as necessary. She might be wrong, sure, but that's how she sees things, and forcing a change on her if she is that entrenched could be a blow that will make her miserable (and a misery toward you) if a move is pushed on them. Of course since she cannot care for herself, if you are not able or willing to get them in-home care on the scale she needs, they'd have to move--but be prepared for blowback from MIL in particular. If you can win FIL over to the idea you might have a shot. [/quote]
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