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[quote=Anonymous]I'm an experienced elementary school teacher, with a son who has Asperger's. My question is not about my ds or a student, though-- it's about my college roommate's ds. I am not trying to throw shade on my roommate, or her ds. I have been concerned about him since he was a toddler, and am even more concerned now that he's less than a year from starting middle school.

Roommate's ds, "John," is a young public school 5th grader. Next fall, he moves to a 6-8th grade school. My roommate, "Jane," is still one of my best friends. Neither she nor her dh had any real experience with kids before John was born. They were thrilled to have him, and thought everything he did was the best thing in the world.

John's behavior was problematic even when he was a toddler, but Jane's adoration and lack of experience kept her from noticing any issues. Her dh loves the kid, but doesn't spent that much time with him. John was a "terrible two" to the max-- not listening or obeying at all, running off, jumping into dangerous or forbidden situations, aggression, purposely breaking things, etc. He appeared to be doing a lot of this deliberately-- but of course, it's hard to tell with a little kid, and a lot of that behavior was age-appropriate.

Jane seemed to have trouble setting limits with him. I did not want to be a busybody or a "sanctimommy," so I tried to stay out of that-- I made a few casual suggestions, mom-to-mom, and tried to lead by example. It really didn't work. Jane didn't want to stifle his spirit, and she seemed convinced that his complete disregard for rules, safety, or the rights of others was proof of his intelligence and creativity.

John is intelligent and creative, for sure, but as he grew, he continued to use those powers to exasperate others and destroy their property. Jane finally started to get a wake-up call when he was almost denied entry to kindergarten, and the school wanted him to be assessed.

He's had 3 evaluations and seen a few counselors and psychologists. They don't seem to be able to agree on the problem. They've agreed he has some anxiety, have ruled out (for now) autism, flirted with the idea of ODD (or something like it), and went back and forth on ADHD. At this point, he doesn't have an actual diagnosis, but he is getting some accommodations at school.

I'm no stranger to IEP's and 504 plans. I haven't read/seen John's list of accommodations myself, just heard about them from Jane. They're mainly typical ADHD type supports like extra time and personal reminders. Ok-- finally, here's the meat of my post. What concerns me is that he doesn't seem to have any behavioral supports or goals! As Jane explains it, they basically let him do anything he wants, behaviorally, as long as he's passing (which he is). As an example, Jane said the teachers and students don't even blink an eye when John walks on top of classroom tables!

Before I continue, let me say that I've been with John in many environments, many times, and Jane has told me stories of how he behaves other times and places. His behavior is pretty much the same everywhere. He still acts like a toddler, except now he's got a pre-teen's size, smarts, and attitude. He still runs off, but now Jane can't always catch him. He still punches and kicks, but now he can really hurt someone! He still purposely breaks stuff, climbs on things that aren't for climbing, etc, but now he can do more damage.

I've worked with many, many kids, and I can honestly say that John is the worst-behaved, most defiant kid I've ever known.

I was astonished when Jane told me the school lets him act that way. I gingerly suggested that, diagnosis or not, they were doing John a disservice by letting him act like that. That teaching him skills to control himself, and holding him accountable for his behavior was their JOB, and that they were actually neglecting him by letting him carry on like that (I also am concerned that Jane and her dh's PARENTING is having the same effect, but I don't want to lose a friendship, plus "glass houses" and all...).

Jane actually agreed with me-- though she said she didn't know what to do about it. She's worried about how he'll do in middle school, as puberty/adolescence hits, and as an adult. He not only seems to have no self-control or regard for others, he doesn't see why he SHOULD temper his behavior or be concerned about anyone else.

Anyone have a comment about this situation, or advice I can pass on to Jane?[/quote]

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