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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Then you step in, OP - don't be afraid of demanding better care for your MIL.

My husband and his 3 brothers were raised to be resilient and strong but are completely clueless about empathy and nursing, so I have been progressively more direct with my wishes for my MIL. Thankfully she is not yet at the end of her rope, but she had to have major surgery for a life-threatening condition, and DH was so cold about it!
I insisted he call her more often, and I made him call up his brothers so that they could stagger their visits and manage her medical care better. These are doctors, pharmacists and bankers we're talking about, and they couldn't synchronize their schedules for their mother without me!

Your MIL needs good medical care and skilled nursing, with visits from her family.
Your DH should be on top of all medical reports, check that FIL is doing his best for her, and research facilities for her care. Guilt him into it, it's his job as an only child.
You can Skype with her, even if she doesn't respond much, she needs human contact and your children will cheer her up. It doesn't matter if your stock German phrases are awful.
Lastly, if work and finances permit, you could visit her as well.

Good luck.
[/quote]

Agree with this PP.

My grandfather passed away last year at 93 after a battle with pneumonia and other complications.  He had been in an independent living facility in his own apartment, but after getting discharged from the hospital he went into the assisted living wing.  When it becomes apparent that this was probably the end and he wanted to be at home we pushed hard to get him out of that wing (shared rooms / overstaffed nursing) and back into his own apartment ASAP, even though it mean paying for 24 hour nursing care (so some concern about the cost if that went on long term), and even moved him before there was a hospital bed ready in his apartment because it felt so important to just get him home.

And making that stand was hands down the best decision of my life to date.  He only lived 2-3 more days, but they were in the comfort and peace of his own familiar surroundings, and he was able to die with dignity.  And when he had a last gasp rally the night before he passed (which is apparently not uncommon) he spent it in his own living room surrounded by his children and grandchildren, and we got the great gift of having one last night with him.

At some point death comes for us all - it is a great blessing if it can happen in dignity and surrounded by love.

Best to you and your family OP as you all go through this end of life journey.[/quote]

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