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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]have you tried Alanon?[/quote]

OP here.

Yes. I may need to try that again, but my challenge with Alanon meetings has been that the drinking behavior is not there now, but the "dry drunk" behavior is.
I don't worry she will get get drunk and fall or crash or whatever.

I worry about the lashing out and the general "more more more".

The therapist I saw said it was a narcissistic personality disorder, and the AA meetings actually don't help the disorder (for people like her, not for everyone), they just create an environment where the craziness is reinforced, because as long as you don't have a glass of wine, you can be as terrible as you want.

Other people who are in AA who "work the steps" have told me that this isn't what the program is supposed to do. You are supposed to keep growing as a person and evolve, but being "stuck" at the age you were when you started using alcohol as a crutch is pretty textbook.

[/quote]

I never found Al-Anon useful in practice.  My  mom wasn't just a drunk, she suffered from borderline personality disorder which meant that she was a hot mess most of the time. Al-Anon just really didn't have enough advice for dealing with that and truly, it is an outside issue for them. They don't claim to be an expert on it. Have you considered that your mom might have a personality disorder? A huge number of people with alcoholism have co-morbid personality disorders - borderline, antisocial and narcissistic are the most common.

If you think self-help is useful, I found these books useful:

1.  The Zen of Recovery - it's aimed at alcoholics but the author is also a child of an alcoholic and he has a lot to say about letting go;
2.  Toxic Parents -- all purpose discussion of growing up with abusive/neglectful/crazy parents;
3. Motherless Daughters -- talks about the absence of a mother through death or alcoholism or abandonment; 
4. Stop Walking on Eggshells --  This book is about borderline personality disorder. 
5.  Splitting -- a book about living with a loved one's narcissistic personality disorder;
6. I'm Okay; You're Not Okay -- a book about living with people who personality disorders[/quote]

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