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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]From someone who has BTDT: you're not over shit. You're still ruminating and fully engaged in this mess. Sit down with another adult (therapist, BFF, husband) and set get feedback on limits that are appropriate.

Some of the rules for my relationship with my mother were:

1. My alcoholic mother was not allowed to see my children alone because of her behavior. She was never alone with them. Period. It wasn't negotiable.

2.  I would take the kids to see her once a week when we lived close and once year when we didn't. If the annual visit was used up, it was used up. Sorry.

3. I gave the gifts for birthdays/holidays/Christmas that were appropriate. I didn't expect acknowledgement or happiness from her because I got her a gift.  Do the right thing and then let it go.

4. When she stopped talking to me for weeks on end, I thanked my lucky stars and let it go.  She'd come around before the next big holiday, or not. At the next big holiday, I would make contact again and she could choose to talk to me or not. If she didn't want to talk to me, I let it go until the next one.

Word to the wise though: when I started enforcing appropriate boundaries and behavior with my  mother, she trash talked me to every family member, neighbor, and friend that she could. I lost my relationship with most of my family because they thought it was awful that I was so horrible to my poor, dear mother.

Good luck. [/quote]

This is immensely helpful info. Thanks for taking the time to think about it and write it up.

We had a "break" about 10 years ago. 
I only knew I was being trash talked b/c I got letters and cards from relatives, out of the blue, offering support and love/consolation.  "We will always love you." "No matter what, you are our family." I was like "huh?" Then I found out she had been telling them I was cut out.

Last night when I talked to my husband about this, we discussed that we'd lose some people, but some people already understand (and they are loving people).[/quote]

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