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[quote=Anonymous]Been to therapy many times re: alcoholic/dry drunk/narcisstic mom.

Several scenarios have come up that point to detaching from my parents, but my father was very ill.
I spoke to him a few times about how tough this relationship was and he asked me to tolerate it for his sake.
I told him I'd do so until he died, if it did not directly harm my own children.

He died last year.  The last conversation I had with him was a huge reversal.  He asked me why my mother was angry and what he did to deserve her "behavior."   As a patient, he was more like a child, (and she hates taking care of people or putting other people first).

I told him what the therapist told me. It wasn't his fault. Her way of loving wasn't what other people do, and being in a position to caretake is not a role where she is OK, so she lashes out. (He was in hospice, and safe, and really really dying). I told him that he was a success and his marriage was a success, she gave him everything she had to give and that was the best she could do,  and his kids are OK and everything was peaceful and he could "leave" when he was ready.  He died three days later.

It has now been a little over a year since he passed. My mom is angry and beligerant and needy all at the same time.  I went to see her with my kids to cheer her up, at her request. Lots of minor wacko stuff happened. She bought tickets to do things for us and then "lost track of time", missed them and had a tantrum. She was preparing for another event (supposedly a kid-friendly outing) so I prepped my kids to be "bus is coming in 30-seconds" ready. She barked at them as she looked for her wallet and keys.  I told her kindly but firmly, "Nope. Not to worry. The kids are on the couch, ready to go. Shoes on and everything." When I went to the restroom, she told my older son off for losing something (which he had thought he lost but I had in my purse all along) and lectured him on being more responsible.  "I have to be harsh with you, and you aren't going to like it." My kids went on one of the outings she planned, one got hurt, and she asked me if the other people there would be offended if she left under the circumstances. "He's bleeding. They will understand, Mom, or I can leave and come back for you." "Then I won't have a ride,  though, and we were going to get hamburgers." Just whacko.

My strategy is to be very kindergarten-teacher calm when things fall apart. It helps me to stay in the moment and it prevents me from having to sink into a chaotic place where she reigns supreme due to experience.

My kids think she is now scared of me because they noticed she would only be harsh if I were not in the room. If I was there, she would change her tune. She tried to force my son to eat something.  (We don't do this. SURPRISE!!! I HAD AN EATING DISORDER...) When I walked in the room, she walked out.  I threw it away without confronting her. Just moved on and told him he was dismissed after she left the room.

We left on decent terms, although she said she was glad the trip was over because she found our pace to be very tiring and she had other things on her plate she needed to do. (Previously, she asked if she could fly back with us and join us on our next leg of vacation, which was where I was meeting their dad at a different resort).

She tried an assortment of shenanigans to control the whole  situation (telling me to fly into X airport instead of Y, because she didn't want me to see friends who live near airport Y..., and telling me she'd pick us up at the airport, then calling the day before to say she had car trouble and could not get us...yet her car was fine....so I was out $500.)  I realize now this was a lot of control, because these geographic locations she said were close to her new place were just NOT.

Since I got back, almost 3 weeks ago, she had not returned my calls or texts.  I sent her an early Mother's Day gift which she has not acknowledged. I know she is disappointed I'm not making 2 trips in 3 weeks to see her for Mother's Day.  This is a her pattern.   I was about to give in and drive 500 miles to see her and my kids said, "If you see her, do we have to come? She doesn't seem to like us and is only nice if you make her be nice."  Ouch.  She's supposed to come see us after Mother's Day for another family event. I'm both concerned she won't come and hoping to have a reason to terminate the tango.

I'm over it.  It has been 40+ years.  I feel as though no matter what I do, I have disappointed her before I have even started, yet I'm invited to try harder to hit the moving target.

Any books, therpeutic techniques, stories where this was the outcome for you?[/quote]

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