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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You have 2 separate issues here, OP, and frankly the in-law issue is the less important of the two.  I love that you have been so accepting of your in-laws' ham-handed (pun intended :) attempts to introduce Judaism into your kids' life, but now you and your DH have to decide once and for all whether you are raising Jewish children.  Once you have made that decision together, you present a united front to both the kids and the in-laws.

The bar/bat mitzvah issue may be a good example to hash out, but really the question is [i]are your kids Jewish[/i][b]?  If you can't say yes to that question, [i]without equivocation or explanation[/i], then it's not appropriate for them to become a bar/bat mitzvah.  It's not just something you do just to expose your kids to Judaism as part of a multicultural upringing so they can one day decide for themselves.  While of course all children should feel empowered to make their own religious decisions once they are old enough to do so, you really don't have your kids go through all of the steps to become a bar/bat mitzvah and participate in the sacred ritual of reading from the Torah if you do not consider them Jewish children, period.  (This does not mean that you have to consider yourself Jewish, although see the next paragraph on that.)

Of course, the whole bar/bat mitzvah thing may be moot if your kids are older than about 4th grade and haven't started HEbrew school.  It's not just something you decide to do and then it happens a few months later.  You guys would have to join a temple, the kids would have to attend religious school 2-3 times a week for several years and learn how to read Hebrew, then have about a year of regular tutoring to prepare for their Torah reading and haftorah.  Even before that, depending on the particular level of observance of the temple you attend, or plan to attend, your children may be required to go through the conversion process before being allowed to read from the Torah.  Because you are not Jewish, your kids are not considered Jewish in the eyes of religious Jews.  For a reform temple it may not matter, but for Conservative or Orthodox your child would probably have to convert, bathe in the mikvah, etc.  This is not something to take lightly for you or your DH.

If your DH and/or your in-laws want the kids to become bar/bat mitzvot without actually agreeing that the kids are Jewish, or if they want to dangle the prospect of a flashy party in front of your kids in order to convince them to go through the ritual, I find that a bit offensive.  If that's the case, they obviously care more about impressing the in-laws' friends and extended family than they do about the kids actually being Jewish, and I would not respect their opinion on this topic at all.  I grew up going to a temple with a lot of people like that, and frankly it's enough to really turn someone off of Judaism.

So yeah, bottom line is that you need to figure this out with your DH.  Your in-laws can drop all the comments they want, but it is up to you and DH to decide what religion your children will identify with.  It's unfortunate that you guys seem to have misunderstood each other on this issue, but now is the time to get it all on the table and avoid any further misunderstanding.  It sounds to me like you are not comfortable raising your children as 100% Jewish, and it sounds like you communicated that clearly to your DH in the past.  Unless you are experiencing a change of heart, or you are interested in taking an Intro to Judaism class to see if you may have a change of heart, your DH needs to accept that and he needs to support you when it comes to his parents.  You should NOT feel ganged up on about this, and your kids should not be bribed with a fancy party.  Just tell your DH (and eventually your in-laws, if it comes to that) that you respect Judaism too much to make a mockery out of it by allowing non-Jewish children to read Torah.

Good luck -- this interfaith stuff is hard!  Sorry if this message is convoluted, no time to proofread :)[/quote]

What this pp said.  She hit the nail on the head with some really good advice.

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