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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Bizarre question, because I realize this is not the majority situation.  Some major family events have occurred. Mom is in the know, and basically the go to person.  No one else in the family is very approachable.  Mom manipulates and says things such as "oh yes, I will get you that information", yet never does. Mom is not one who has supported her family, financially, everyone has done for themselves since they were about 16, so it not a matter of anyone indebted to anyone.  It is more a power play by mom who feigns ignorance.  In this situation, is it best to pretend the information needed isn't so important to you (in order to get it)?  How would you approach this.  Again, I fully realize this is not the norm.  [/quote]

You know she is manipulative. You seem to fear or simply want to avoid others in your family.

Stop going along with these adults who are playing juvenile games, and don't play games yourself (don't threaten her, cajole her, don't do what you describe and "pretend the information needed isn't so important to you, in order to get it." That is all game-playing.

In person, without distractions, in a place that is not her own home (her own [i]turf[/i]), stand face to face with her and say, "Mom, I want to know X, Y and Z." Be very direct; have a very specific question to ask and do not bombard her with lots of different questions; do not make it a question she can answer just "yes" or "no" unless those are acceptable answers to you. Do not do this with anyone else around she can turn to and say, "Oh, look how Adult Child is harrying me for things that I don't want to discuss!" or whatever poor-me manipulative crap or joking dismissal she can pull if she has someone else to turn to.

Be the grown-up because she isn't. Be the grown-up and stop worrying about how "approachable" others are -- are you afraid of upsetting them somehow? is this some information that everyone in the family dances around because it's so delicate?

"Mom, I am asking you directly and want a direct answer: Does Dad have cancer?"
"I wanted to see you because I have a specific question and I want a specific answer. Did Aunt Sally leave Uncle Bob for Cousin Vinny?"
 Those are yes or no questions. If the situation requires more you are going to have to pursue it. Do it when and where she can't brush you off, turn to someone else to change the topic, or start folding laundry like mad to avoid even looking at you.

You already recognize that this isn't normal dynamics. Don't put up with it. Be THAT relative who just looks people in the eyes and asks the blunt questions. LIfe is too short to tiptoe around "major family events" because some people are so controlling that they want to keep everyone in line by controlling information.

If she remains a stone wall, tell her: "I've asked you very specifically and you refuse to answer me so I am going directly from here to ask Uncle Bob that same question. It's not a threat, it's just what I'm doing next because you want to control this information." Then go DO just that.

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