Reply to Punishment doesn't seem to phase this kid

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We are not controlling. Do you think asking these things is controlling/ Really? She chooses her own clothes and shoes, hair style, makes her own lunch every day, chooses if she wants to walk to school or get a ride, whether or not to wear a jacket and all sorts of choices she has. But when her chices or lack of consideration means difficulty for the rest of the family or problems with her teacher and incomplete homework then believe me, I will take over.

This is a little girl who was abandoned as an infant in Vietnam. She was undernourished when we got her and I'm all about healthy at our house. I'm somewhat overweight and while they aren't I'm trying to instill healthy eating habits at a young age so that is my concern about potato chips. From what I've read they are about the worst snack in the world!

I will try to get her to talk to me about the lies she has told and see if we can work something out. she lied about the chips so we will come to some agreement about maybe how many chips or how many timews a week she can have something other than fruit and let her manage that. Their school (and me too) don't allow any junk food in lunches. I try to get then 3 fruits a day.

She lied about having finished her homework. I'll encourage her to get at least 2/3 done in one sitting (probably less than an hour), take a break and then get the rest done after dinner.

One of the problems with homework is she does not want us over her when she does it so we allow her to try on her own then we check it and usually find all sorts of problems. This makes homework twice as long as it needs to be. We have tried to get her to wait till one of us can be at the table and accessible to see she in on the right track before she messes up the whole paper and has to do it all over again. Both us us are extremely patient with her, don't belittle her for her mistakes, try to make it hands on with toothpicks, raisins, spoons, etc to help- her bigges problems are with math and reading comprehension.

I appreciate your taking the time to think about this and to give me suggestions.

[/quote]

Does her teacher want you to check her work?  If not, don't.  Let the teacher see what she is struggling with so she can address it with your DD.  The teacher should see the problems.  Plus it just sounds excruciating, that she is spending so long on her homework.  Check to make sure the homework is done but don't check for mistakes and don't make her do it over.  And don't sit with her -- tell her that if she needs your help, you are available, but otherwise she should do it on her on.

She's lying because there are so many consequences for so many rules.  Essentially you are teaching her to lie because complying is so stressful for her.  She hasn't internalized any discipline because so much of it is external.  Seriously, you are going to count the potato chips?  She probably perceives that she is being punished because she was undernourished in Vietnam.  if there are going to be chips in the house, you need to ease up.  And don't let your own body image issues affect this.

What "lack of consideration?"  What I see is a kid who is struggling with the increased demands of middle skill while being constantly surveilled and punished.  Maybe you resent the fact that you have to spend so much time with her on her homework.  Then stop.  Let her teacher deal with the consequences.

She doesn't sound willful to me, even though you seem to think so.  To me she sounds like a kid with ADHD, or other learning and executive function challenges that make it difficult for her to do her homework, and she is dealing with the constant stress of this by trying to find her own way out.  Set her up for success and stop harping on perceived failures.[/quote]

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