Reply to Enjoy the present. If things go the way you fear, we'll deal with it then. (A vent)

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Reply to "Enjoy the present. If things go the way you fear, we'll deal with it then. (A vent)"

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[quote=Anonymous]That's a quote from my therapist.

Yeah, ok.  Except here's the thing.  You, Mr. Therapist, were the one who suggested we stage an intervention to get DH to stop drinking.  Which we did.

Now, a month later, it keeps coming up and up and up.

DH:  If it's ok with you, I'll have a glass of [his favorite hard liquor].

Me:  No, it's not ok with me.  But I'm not your mother.  I am not going to tell you what to do.  You have free will.

DH:  This is ridiculous!  You didn't need to reiterate you weren't ok with it.  And if only I had free will in this - yeah, right.  [Stomps off]

And then:

Me:  I don't know why I am having such a hard time sleeping these days.

DH:  You know, if you had a shot of [his favorite hard liquor], that would fix you up.  In fact, some of the time when I drank that is why.

Me:  Well, my therapist says sleep actually gets disrupted by alcohol.

DH:  What does he know?  He's only a psychologist

And then:

Me:  Did you ever make an appointment to talk to a therapist?  When you do see them, you might ask them why you still want to drink somteimtes.

DH (very angrily):  You have this wrong idea about me.  And it's ridiculous.  And I think I should be able to drink because I am not an alcoholic.

Me:  Oh, I thought we agreed that neither of us was going to drink again, maybe forever, but at least for one year.

DH (shouting):  No, that is something you imposed on me.  You dictated that to me!  I did not have a choice!

And this morning:

DH (referring to an e-mail between me and an au pair candidate):  You are way too puritanical about this alcohol thing.  You have the wrong idea about me and I am sick of it.

Me:  Well, we had an agreement we would not drink anymore, so I didn't see the harm in telling her we don't keep alcohol in the house and would prefer that she not drink in the house.

DH:  You are going to push the candidates away if you keep up this puritanical behavior.

Me:  Well, we also talked about how we should stop drinking so the kids don't get the wrong idea about alcohol, so I don't see why saying we don't want her partying it up in the house with her friends is such a problem.

Followed by more yelling about how I have the wrong idea about him, me saying I felt more present when I did not drink and that I thought things had been better between us and reminding him about the agreement.  Him yelling back that I was all wrong about him and the cause and effect between the stopping drinking and the less angry behaviour I had seen from him (yes, believe it or not, this is less angry).  Then more yelling when I asked whether he made the appointment with the therapist.

As far as I know, he has not had anything to drink since the ban.  But he is getting angrier and angrier and it keeps coming up every day or two.  My therapist says ignore it and enjoy that things are better now.  He says that by doing so, I can show him an alternate reality and incentivize him not to drink by making him invested in what we have now.

What I would like to know is how I am supposed to do that when it keeps coming up every couple of days lately and he is so angry about it.  It's all about me: I am the evil ridiculous person with these crazy ideas about him and I need to give up that idea and just let him drink.  Sorry, no can do.  I've kept my end of the bargain since he insisted when we made the agreement hat it couldn't be about him alone, that we both drank too much, etc.  OK, easy peasy.  I do not drink post-ban.  I keep going to my therapist.  I don't yell at him about it.  His father says that the fact that he is angry means he is at least considering making the change.  I hope he is right.

I am so tired of this.  I really hoped somehow he would gets ome help this time.  But I guess no one said it would be easy, right?
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