Reply to just not sure I can do it - semi rant/dump. Maybe will help someone feel less alone

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[quote=Anonymous]In some ways I should be hopeful because DH has finally admitted he had/has a porn addiction. He has taken steps to remedy it which happen to match some of the better therapeutic measures out there. He has admitted to his anger problem, is on medication for his depression, is clearly trying as of the past few weeks to really step up to the plate and be present while still being clearl ADHD and not really having much in the way of strategies for that. He wants to repair the family for the sake of our 7 year old daughter. Etc etc etc. And yes he says he loves me and I believe him on that.

Problem is: after so many years of denial and lying, after not as many years but more than I could take of anger outbursts and getting in my face and verbal abuse, after years of promises to improve, I simply cannot see how exactly this time is going to be different.

However, I also know that I _cannot_ see it because even if it comes to pass, this turn around, I know I wont know its real for some time.

I also currently feel I may never completely trust him ever again. There are things I trust him on, such as not being a cheater. But as to anything he has lied to me about before, and anything he has reneged on such as "being better" and "getting better", I may never have real peace with that.

I have spent 20 years, the prime years of my life, married to someone difficult who only became more difficult over time (while, ironically, there were some improvements). Upon telling an old friend of mine that really some of the worst moments of my life involved him, she said "but so have some of the best". Which is true. We do have this amazingly loving and remarkable child who needs me very much and would benefit from having her father directly in her life. BUT BUT BUT. I am hurt, tired and angry.

I told him a few years ago that if the porn resurfaced he HAD to tell me becuase if I discover something and he lies to me about it "it will break me". Well sure enough it did and he did. And it did. To me I cant help feeling like his love his lacking. He contends that he just did not "see" his addiction as such, and kept thinking it could be something he could rid himself of, that he did not realize it would be this hard. But I dont know if I can ever deal with having been lied to so much. Sometimes I feel like I can see the only way out is to let him own his lies and not police him. Which I didnt. But nonetheless, being lied to, it is so damaging. I cant even put it into words. Its gut wrenching. This last time he lied to me so convincingly (I was not convinced but I could tell he was trying to be) taht I told him flat out it disturbed me.

He also lied about his weed smoking. He had in fact quit before we married (not for me, but a few years before we were even engaged), but resumed occasional use in our marriage while hiding it from me, and then later asked for official permission to smoke again because of his stress levels. From then on of course nothing he told me ended up being true- that he wouldnt smoke it every day, he would be super discreet, he would not smoke whie out of town on business, etc. ALL those supposed SELF created boundaries and rules were broken almost immediately. Meanwhile I am not saying much but if I did he would act like I am the problem.

See, thats the fucked up part here. He says he didnt mean it, he says he sees now what he did, and how terrible he was, etc. but the fact remains HE BLAMED ME for EVERYTHING including his terrible anger. That is what he said to me. I never once bought it, thank god, becuase I have my self esteem in tact. I know when someone is out of whack. But he said it and dug his heels in on many occasion. He would relent, eventually. Meanwhile however, I do know depression creeped in, and so I may never have had him in his balanced out state. Maybe what I am seeing now (way more normal acting and sounding) is what is ahead.

Anyway, not per se seeking advice here, and yes yes yes there will be therapy. Oh will there be f'in therapy. There was therapy before too, but without full honesty by DH it only went so far. Now maybe it could go farther.

I never thought I would lose my love for him. But I have lost so much respect, its pretty close to the same thing. I have known him since we were teenagers. We are deeply bonded, and now we have this great kid. But I am tired. Ive lost trust. I dont know how much happiness I can hope for here, and its probably best I dont have a y specific expectations in that regard.

Its going to be a long gradual process of building a new life. But I guess I am not used to committing to something with so much uncertainty for the future coupled with BAD CRAP in the past It SUCKS! ;) But maybe now with everything out in the open, after 20 YEARS, (GRRRRRR) something good can come from this. Or something. ((sigh))

Anyone even .001% less resilient, patient and loving would have cracked a long time ago. Problem is that now _I_ am less of all of those things.[/quote]

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