Reply to FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?

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[quote=Anonymous]DH's parents are divorced; it was not friendly, but it's been 10 years.  DH has no hard feelings about the divorce (no affair, happened when he was an adult) and couldn't care less if his parents got re-married to other people.    FIL has had a girlfriend for about 5 years.  She is here to stay, they live together, no plans on getting married.  FIL and MIL do not speak to each other.

DH and GF have not gotten along since day one.  This is in large part because GF does not have any kids of her own, and does not understand boundaries of matters she should not get involved in.  Don't want to get into the gory details but will give some examples.  E.g. She cleaned out DH's childhood room and then talked with DH about things she found there and threw out.  She contantly talked about how dreary their childhood home was and how she wanted to remodel the entire thing (which she did).  GF tells FIL that he spoiled his kids by paying for college, and that they are ungrateful (why would FIL even pass this along??).  GF never allows FIL to have phone conversations with DH alone-- she's always in the background shouting something.  (As a result, DH and FIL almost never talk anymore.)   When we spend time with them, she finds something we did to gripe about ("wasn't it rude that they didn't spend their entire day with us and instead went home for DS's nap?") which FIL passes on to DH.  Note that these are never things FIL would ever think of on his own.

GF and DH have had it out a few times already (DH is about as mild-mannered as it comes). Usually it starts with GF saying something offensive in a totally passive aggressive way (along the lines of the above).  I try to steer the conversation elsewhere but GF just keeps going.  Eventually DH yells at her.

GF is always looking for "allies" to "improve her relationship with DH" by reaching out to me and his sister, which I find offensive (hello, my loyalty is to DH and not to you).

FIL is a weak person, and knows the GF is a problem, but is afraid to be alone and confront her with her BS.  Before the rare visit, he will ask DH to extend an olive branch to GF in advance to "keep the peace" and "welcome her into our home."  He starts calling and texting DH 3x/day about calling his GF.  This drives DH nuts because honestly, FIL was your typical absentee-workaholic dad who missed every baseball game, worked 7 days a week, etc.  So the idea that DH is supposed to drop everything for him to deal with his petty demands does not sit well.

FIL has managed to wrangle a visit for DS's birthday and I am already resentlful that I have to deal with a sh*tshow on what is supposed to be a special day for our family.  DH just wants to tell her to stay home.  I suppose that isn't reasonable, but how would you deal with this situation?  During every visit, I try to carry on the blandest of coversations to get through any meal and hold my breath that there won't be a huge blowout.

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