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[quote=Anonymous]Your validation of their feelings -- of their actual selves -- will go a long, long way here.  Having one parent who truly "sees" them and can reflect their real selves back to them counts for so much.  I've been there, and it makes all the difference.

If I were in your shoes, that's where I'd focus.  Teach and encourage them to put into words how they feel -- about everything, including (but not just) their father.  Make it safe for them to express a full range of emotions, including anger, sadness, disappointment, hurt, anxiety, frustration, confusion, and even fear.  It's tough for parents to hear these things sometimes, but it's expecially important to allow/encourage it here because the narcissistic parent absolutely won't.  As your kids get older, encourage them to keep a journal to write about their thoughts and feelings, too.  It's another way for them to express themselves, even if no one else reads it but them.

Similarly, do what ever you can along the way to help the kids feel comfortable expressing disagreement with their father or questioning or criticizing his choices and behavior.  They may not feel "safe" expressing it to him (understandable!), but if they can express it to you (and/or to a therapist or in a journal), they will learn that their feelings are indeed appropriate and valid.  Again, very supportive stuff.

It may sound heavy, but it really doesn't have to be.  There are so many ways to give small light touches of validation to show them that they've been heard. All you need to do is acknowledge and reflect it back to them as they express it.  Mirror, mirror, mirror.

And just keep prompting them to notice and describe their own their own feelings/preferences/values/interests/strengths/skills/character/personality as they grow.  This is great for all kids, and especially so for kids with a narcissistic parent.  The more aware of themselves they become, the less likely they are to be affected because they will see themselves as separate and distinct from him (as opposed to an extention of him, which is the dynamic he tries to create.)

Good luck!

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