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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have a dd who is 14 and an older child with autism. For a couple of years the working theory has been that the 14 year old is probably also on the spectrum but with less severity than older autistic child (who is not intellectually compromised but has hard time with most aspects of life).

Can anyone help me with an armchair diagnosis or suggestions to get her into therapy? She has been in therapy in the past but performs a charm offensive so therapists don't really know what she's like. She'll only discuss friends (spoiler alert: she doesn't have many) and never family. She won't go to family therapy no matter how much we try or incentives offered.

Here's a typical afternoon with her - she comes home and instantly starts asking whether I got her something she asked for. I asked her to restart the conversation by saying hello, how are you, before asking the question. She wouldn't do it.

As she is examining things she has just taken from the fridge, I ask her to close the door (a daily conversation). I need to explain why once again. She says if I'm worried about wasting electricity I should turn off the lights. I say I'm using the lights. She says what about the light in your room? I said yes you're right but that doesn't mean you shouldn't close the door to the fridge. All with the door still open. Then she says, don't you think you're being a hypocrite. I raise my voice and she finally closes door.

Then she touches on a sensitive subject to her older sibling, who asks her to stop. She keeps telling the story anyways. Spouse and I ask her to stop. She says it won't bother her and continues with the story. Older sibling is frustrated and leaves. She tells the whole story. We say, we can hear the story another time when she's not here but it's not ok to continue when asked not to. She says, I don't understand why it's a big deal. We explain why it's a BIG deal (it's related to a recent event that was traumatic for older sibling and also very saddening for us as parents). She seems to listen, then as she leaves the room says, I still don't understand why I can't talk about it. I told her that these constant interactions are all very draining for me and I wish she would talk to a therapist about it.

This is our life, day in and day out. It doesn't feel like normal teenager stuff, though admittedly our older child was not a "normal" teenager. She is obstreperous and seems deeply unempathetic. Sometimes it's mean-spirited, but the above interactions were not particularly so - she just really doesn't understand why she should or shouldn't do any of these things and won't comply unless consequences are severe, like yelling. There's no such thing as doing something because it's standard or because we are the adults she is the child. I'm drained all the time from her behavior on top of my documented special needs child. The special needs child tries hard to change behaviors and actions, while this child won't acknowledge any behavior or change it. If anyone else is dealing or has dealt with something similar I'd love to hear it.[/quote]

Some of this is just a teenager challenging rules and  living within some challenging family dynamics. It’s not easy to be the more functional child in these dynamics. Whatever you may think, your child has not received a diagnosis and nothing you wrote would make me jump to autism.

I understand that you want to raise a grounded socially aware child, but all of the interactions you laid out sound both sound normal and also miserable and exhausting for both of you.

Have you and your spouse tried parent training? I would suggest changing your approach. [/quote]

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