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[quote=Anonymous]Our 90+ year old mother was fine until five years ago or so when she had a stroke or whatever.  Since then she's needed help, increasingly so, while still living on her own and a sibling has been providing the vast bulk of it.  The sibling is local and we are not.  We defer to our sibling on every single decision she makes regarding our mother and her care because all of the real work is on her.  Sometimes we think there are other ways she could do things that would make it easier on her, and on occasion we suggest them, but we step back immediately on the slightest push back and just offer our support.  We feel like we have no right or privilege to insist on anything because we're not there and none of this really impacts us.

But here's the thing:  I don't really like our mother and honestly neither does the sister providing all of the care.  At least, she never did.  Neither does another sibling.  A couple others like her more than we do, I guess, but they're not local either.

Our mother has no money, so the non-care providers all send some.  We send more than double what anyone else does because we have more money.  It's an automatic payment that goes directly to my sister every month.  She uses it primarily to hire other caregivers to step in when she can't.  Our mother needs somebody dropping in every single day.

So here's the issue.  Our mother has been in rehab the last few weeks, which is actually a break of sorts for our sister, and our sister has now decided (rightfully and thankfully) that our mother can no longer live by herself.  So our sister is moving her to a nice nursing home that is extremely convenient to our sister's job, where she says she can drop in very easily whenever she's working and is honestly -- she says -- much more convenient for her.  We think this is just great.

But after announcing the decision by text, she immediately added:  "I hope you all agree to send the same amount of money so I can continue to use [Larla] to supplement my schedule and visits.  Does that still work?"  One of my siblings who kinda likes my mother promptly responded "of course."

I send three times as much money as he does, and I'm having trouble understanding why my sister needs the same amount of money to pay the secondary caregivers who visited her at home when she will now be in a nursing home getting cared for by professionals.  I ran this by my spouse who basically said look it's your family and your call but I think you should send your sister whatever she wants because she does everything.  "Just pay the money through the transition and reassess."

If you were in my position, would you say something, or would you say nothing?  I'm leaning strongly towards the latter, although I don't like it.

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