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[quote=Anonymous]I often come back on here when I've reached a certain frustration point and I am at my wits end. Our daughter is in 8th grade, and after a full school evaluation testing many different areas (including screening for autism and adhd), she has qualified for an IEP.  They said that she fell just under meeting the criteria for both autism and adhd, so they do not believe she has either of these disorders, although she shares many of the same traits.  She is gifted, and 2e, has major EF deficits, social/emotional delays, sensory issues, and comparative deficits in fluid reasoning and processing speed compared to her cognitive abilities.

She has been seeing a very expensive therapist for 3 months, and it's gotten nowhere so far. Most meetings she barely says a single word, and then announces to her proudly afterwards that she was able to not say a thing the entire session.

She's 110% against accepting the IEP and the supports.  DH and I want to accept the IEP supports. We have tried to talk it through with her, have scheduled meetings with our daughter and the school so they could walk her through as well, but she is still very adamantly against it.

She has been making our home life hell.  She has been extremely rude and disrespectful and just refuses to do anything other than school work.  She contributes nothing to the family.  If her room was left to her own devices it would turn into an episode of hoarders and a biohazard site.  She seems unable to have a rational discussion and seems incapable of showing an iota of insight into her own deficiencies or limitations.

She calls us stupid and a levy of other insults on a daily basis.  She says the world would be a better place if I just went and killed myself.  Her younger siblings hear all this horrible nonsense on a daily basis. She does not respond to any consequences because she literally does not care about anything. An hour after she tells me to go kill myself, and screamed insults at me, she will then act as if nothing happened, and then nonchalantly ask me do favors for her- she seems to have zero common sense in the area of social give and take.

I've reached a point when I've given up on her making any progress at home.  Up til now I have been trying to get her to work on things like cleaning up her own messes, eating meals on a regular basis, doing her laundry, and cleaning her room at least once a month.  But I think I've realized that she is literally incapable of thinking of others and is truly self-centered.  It's been so utterly exhausting working on these things with her and it I just end up  getting crapped on by her whenever I do.

From now on, I want to just LET GO and ACCEPT that she literally has a disability, and that for as long as she lives under our roof, I will need to clean her room, launder her clothes, prepare all her meals and put it in front of her, and take care of all the things she is incapable of doing.  Because it's been over 10 years and nothing we have tried has worked.  I don't believe she will be able to hold down a job - I don't know what the future holds for her. She says she is 100 percent not going to college, and she says she cannot wait until she gets away from us, and says she will not ever call or visit us once she leaves.

The hardest thing is her stubbornness, and lack of ability to see her own limitations, or accept any help, and her refusal to treat me and DH like human beings. The hate she spews on us on a daily basis has gotten intolerable.

I'm venting.  But I'm also asking for advice on how to approach the IEP.  At this point the only way she would receive the IEP is if we just force her to do it.  I've tried everything to convince her that it would be helpful, but nothing has worked.

I'm half listening to her right now proudly telling her younger siblings the gory details of all her dreams - they are all about killing, stabbing and cutting off people's heads - usually me or DH, or one of her siblings. I feel like she's been a terrible role model for her younger siblings, and it's starting to show.  She simultaneously mistreats them and latches onto them because she has no friends that she spends time with outside of school.

I know she's under a lot of stress and this is how she acts when she's under stress.  She becomes miserable to live with.  But I'm just so burnt out and exhausted with her behaviors and the hate.  Not sure how to move forward at this point, because yesterday and today I feel like distancing myself from her and I know that is not healthy.

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