Reply to Question for adoption moms whose children sought out their birth mom

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]
Anonymous wrote:
How did you feel if your child found their birth mom and decided to meet? Going through this now with my adopted late 20's DD and have a variety of emotions going on, including feeling insulted as this other woman gave her up for adoption while I raised her.

Your emotions are totally normal. However, it is important to put them aside a present a supportive, positive, but realistic demeanor to your daughter.

She deserves to know the story of where she came from and about other biological relatives. She did not choose for any of this to happen to her, and she did not ask to have you adopt her.

However, many people who make the decision to place their child for adoption do have challenging circumstances which make it hard on both sides for them to connect in the way your daughter may be hoping.

Best case scenario she has an ongoing positive relationship with another set of people who love her. Worst case scenario she regrets pursuing this relationship or they don’t want to meet her. Either way she needs you in her life as a support who continues to love her.[/quote]

This.  I have always been very supportive of our DC about whatever they wanted to know/do about meeting bios.  It's so important to be a safe supportive space for them.  Understand that it is a rare circumstance where reunion with birth family doesn't generate a lot of painful emotions.   In our case, where DC was effectively abandoned by birthbios after being removed from household due to neglect, DC discovered that bioparent had gone on to new relationship and to have new child while DC and DC's sib were languishing abandoned in foster care with bio family showing no interest in contact.  Witnessing that grief and pain without the ability to change it, only to offer comfort, was gut-wrenching.  Just be supportive and tell them that (a) they should sit with a competent adoption therapist and work through a list of questions beforehand they want to know---not just the "why's" of adoption but medical history, etc. and (b) they should recognize that it is possible and normal to hold many emotions at once:  grief, anger, love.  But just be fully supportive, and protective as well.  This is the moment when your child needs to know the most that you have their back forever.  [/quote]

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