Reply to How to forgive spouse for initiating a gray divorce?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You don't have to forgive him.

Forgive yourself for being mad. It's understandable you're mad. Let yourself feel your anger, talk to someone about it (therapist, friend, someone) but release yourself from it.

Someone once did something really awful to me and they never apologized or even took responsibility for it. For a long time I kept telling myself I had to forgive them (partly because other people kept telling me I'd never move on if I didn't forgive them). But I couldn't! How can you forgive someone who isn't even sorry for the harm they caused?

But then one day I decided to just accept that I couldn't forgive them, and I decided it was fine, and that gave me the release I needed to move on. Some people suck. You don't have to let them off the hook (they can figure that out themselves) but you can let yourself off the hook.

Wishing you peace, OP.[/quote]

Forgiveness isn’t letting them off the hook for what they did. It’s admitting that this is your life now, you have to move on and make the best of it for yourself so they can’t steal anymore joy from your life than they already have. They won’t ever see what they did as wrong, but you can live a life according to your values and choose better people to be close to going forward. [/quote]

PP here. We are saying the same thing. I have personally found that not trying to frame this as "forgiveness" is easier because I'd get hung up on it being something I was a giving someone who didn't deserve it. I thought of it as just letting go of them and focusing on my own well being. I never really forgave but I did move on.[/quote]

I agree with how you handled this and I would urge the same thing — but it is a type of forgiveness, even if you don’t want to use that word.

Forgiveness is not just “letting someone off the hook” — it is instead deciding to pay a debt by taking it on your own shoulders.

Think of this example —

If someone comes into your house tonight and breaks a lamp — there is now a debt.   The lamp has been broken.

One response is to send the other person a bill and say you owe me X for breaking my lamp.

The other response is to say — don’t worry about it, I will buy a new lamp.

Another response is to decide just to sit in darkness.

But in the latter two examples — you are taking on the debt yourself.

There is always pain involved in forgiveness because you are choosing to take on the debt yourself.

You can forgive someone while still creating new and healthy boundaries.   If someone breaks the lamp every time they come into your house — you can say the first or even second time, OK, I am going to pay the debt — but you can also stop inviting them into your house as a self protective measure.   That’s loving and kind to both of you.

Food for thought.   [/quote]

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