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[quote=Anonymous]
I think you need to ignore your mother. I don't know why you engage with her, honestly, and why you try to take the lead when your sibling clearly wants everything to flow through her.

But you could have a heart-to-heart with your sibling, and tell her that:

1. She cannot both ask for help and criticize you at the same time. It's one or the other. Most adults in the world leave their neighborhood to make their own lives elsewhere. Most do not move back to help their elderly parents, particularly not when their parents were abusive. She chose that because she got free childcare out of it. She cannot demand that you make the same choices.

2. If she wants help, she's going to have to accept the long-distance kind you can give her.

3. Make sure to list all the things she's doing for your mother and verbalize what an enormous burden it is and how much you admire that she can take this on while working full time and parenting. That your need to defend yourself against her resentment and stress do not take away from the great effort she is making for your mother.

It seems like everyone is very high strung in this family. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, OP. Your sister is very quick to judge you. You are very sensitive to criticism. You, who have the least burden here, are probably more emotionally functional and can be the bigger person. Just nail down something you could do that would make your sibling's life easier, even if she doesn't like to admit it. Then let them deal with their own emotions.

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