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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your sister is reaping what she sowed by moving near your mentally ill mother to get free childcare.
My mother wanted me to leave DH and my career to live with her after my stepfather died. I didn't. I hired a geriatric care manager.
You cannot change or control what your mother and sister do or say. What you can address is how you react. 
[b]Hire a geriatric care manager[/b] if that can offload stuff you or your sister have to do.
Honestly I am amazed you seem to still love your mother and are unwilling to accept she either is or will be dying sooner rather than later.
I am very sorry for you. But you need to put yourself  first.[/quote]
It didn’t sound like they have the budget for that, although it would be great if they could.

OP, as the sibling/nibling/grandchild who remained at home, and the daughter of same, I have been through this out of state relative thing often. Even without the complications of your mother’s personality disorder, it’s a difficult dynamic. The far away family often don’t really understand what’s helpful and what’s not. The local family have to communicate very clearly about this, and it kind of sounds like maybe your sister isn’t communicating effectively with you. She probably does have some resentment that she’s largely alone with your mom and maybe that feeds the problem.

I think if I were you I would consider what amount of time and money I could offer, and ask your sister directly what would be most helpful for her. I know it would not have worked at all for me to have out of state family scheduling, organizing transportation etc, because things change on a dime and then I am stuck with scheduling that might not work for me.

As for your mom, you don’t have to listen to a long critique. You can just say that you understand she’s angry and maybe you can talk another time when she isn’t so upset. Or maybe you switch to email or letters if that’s possible. It’s a fraught situation and there probably isn’t any solution that will feel exactly right. [/quote]

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