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[quote=Anonymous]For those of us who live in a different state than our elderly parents, how are you arranging things with your family to help?

My Mom has been in and out of the hospital many times over the past 2 years. My sibling lives nearby with her family. I live in the DC area, a 6-7 hour drive away from them (since the 1990s) with my family.

We have a very difficult Mom, with a long diagnosed personality disorder, which has intensified further as she has aged. 20 years ago, my sibling lived here and chose to move her family from the DC area back to near our Mom to have help with their kids when they were young.

My relationship with our Mom has never been good. She hates me for moving away in the 1990s for better job opportunities in my field. Over the years, she has endlessly demanded that I move my family back to where she lives, that I "ruined" the family and that mine/my husband's jobs don't matter. When I was pregnant with my first child I was told there was "no point" in me having any children bc they would not be near her. She chooses to know nothing about me, my life, or my kids, but she has lots of demands for me.

I've been in and out of therapy for years to help me develop healthy boundaries for myself with regard to my Mom. She doesn't believe in boundaries and no matter what we do, how often we visit or help it's never acknowledged or I'm told it's not enough. I've been told by plenty of people over the years to just go no contact, but I've tried to do my best to continue a relationship and put some boundaries in place with how I will allow myself to be treated.

Over the past couple of years I've been cut out more and more by my Mom and sibling because I'm "not there". I'm only told anything if I reach out to specifically ask, if it's a real emergency, or if some detail comes out when I'm being berated that I don't help out and I should "be there." My sibling has everything on her plate with regard to my Mom. She has a full-time job, kids etc. I offer to help as much as I can and I've carved out a few things that I manage - including being the contact managing the scheduling and evolving needs for the 24-hour coverage by home health aides my Mom has required over the past couple of years.

Lately my Mom has called urgently telling me that she is dying soon. Her doctor wants to discuss palliative care. This took be by surprise. It's really scary and I told her I would look into it and get back to her right away. I started working on it and reached out to my sibling and was told to stand down that Mom didn't understand and was overreacting. The next day Mom reaches out to berate me that I don't care and my sibling is doing everything. A different version of this has played out several times now as additional health issues has arisen over the past year - panicked call from Mom, sibling downplays it tells me to stand down, Mom unleashes on me that I'm not doing enough to help.

It happened again yesterday. I reached out to my sibling to ask what I can do to help. She responded by saying "I don't know what to say to that. I have a lot on my plate that you can't do" then went on to list out several things she's taking care of (it's absolutely a lot - she pays Mom's bills, brings things back and forth to the hospital or rehab when Mom has been in the hospital, takes time off work to take Mom to doctor's appointments, etc.) I responded with a few ideas of things that could help make things a bit easier on her (for example, she doesn't need to go pick up Mom's prescriptions. The home health aides drive and that's part of their job to run errands like that. I offered to make arrangements for transportation for some of Mom's doctor's appointments and the aide can go with her, instead of her taking time off work each time). I was told my suggestions "don't do much" and several reasons why they wouldn't work - which I guess I couldn't possibly understand bc I'm "not there".

Anyway, it's a really difficult situation. If something urgent happens I've always traveled there. However, my family and I can't afford for me to go up there and post up in a hotel to be there waiting in case something happens or is needed.

Anyone out there navigating similar situations? I don't know what to do. I've been actively trying to help from afar when things are status quo and go jump in when needed. A week ago my sibling had a trip planned. Right beforehand my Mom went into the hospital, so I went up there so she could still go on her trip. I provided daily updates on her condition as I spoke with Drs and Nurses, etc.

But, getting verbally attacked and insulted weekly now because I don't live there is taking a toll. I know my Mom is going through a lot and is rightly terrified about what's to come for her. I'm trying to be empathetic and I'm offering to help. It's getting harder and harder to try to listen and give support knowing that it will be turned around into an attack on me before the conversation is over.

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