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[quote=Anonymous]I am a little surprised by people's reactions here. I don't think the OP's questions are out-of-line. I think people are reading a lot into what she is saying and assuming a lot about who she is. Maybe the tone could be more compassionate, but the questions are fair.

I think if I were in your situation, OP, I'd respond differently to the different scenarios. The bathroom one is gross but I'd cut the mom some slack. Maybe the daughter is totally fine in familiar places and sometimes has accidents in unfamiliar places. Or maybe not... maybe the mother is exhausted by it, I don't know. But if you can have a little patience with this, it's a very small way of helping your dad/his new family out. In any case, since there is nothing for you to figure out here, I recommend you move on. You either accept it or you don't.

The other situation is different. I think you have to make sure, if this is true, that your dad understands that you come from a place of acceptance and compassion but that want to know what language to use to make sure the daughter acts/touches everyone appropriately. I don't think ANYONE is doing her any favors by not curbing unwanted behavior. It doesn't really matter what kind of unwanted touching, she can be asked to stop.

The one thing I'd urge you to do, OP, is reflect on how you may have spoken to your dad. I just wonder, from his reaction, if you focused very little on the step-daughter, very much on your husbands feelings or on the frustration of cleaning a messy bathroom a couple of times and if you came across as self-centered and unwilling to be welcome his step-daughter. I wonder if your complaints sounded petty next to the very real commitment he and his wife live every day and for the long-term future. If this sounds mean or accusing, I don't mean it to. But I recognize something in your dad's answer that many of us parents of special needs kids have felt... a rush of defensiveness/disappointment/exhaustion/confusion when someone we care about complains about the tiniest fraction of what we live every day.[/quote]

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