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[quote=Anonymous]I have a question about an issue involving my dad's new wife's daughter. She is 24 and has Down's. She is, as her mother describes her, very high-functioning. She has a job at a fast food place, an apartment and at this age has a boyfriend. She is starting to learn about relationships and she is very flirtatious with men, including her boyfriend and my husband, who she hits on very directly and constantly hugs when she is around. My husband is feeling a little uncomfortable. He and I both grew up in schools that integrated special needs children into our classes and also have cousins our own age with special needs who we are rather close with. In the cases we know of, parents/guardians/older siblings/other care takers often supplement their social queues as they reach a certain age in order to help them engage in what society deems appropriate behavior.

I need to preface the rest of this by saying that I have met my dad's wife and her family 3 times for a couple of hours each time and they have been together since maybe September. I so not have a relationship with her family and at my age, and for personal reasons, I do not seek to be close to them in general at all (she has two older kids as well and I could care less about them as well). I also would mention at this point, that my dad's wife's house is a pig sty. I am not a neat freak myself, but I mean actually dirty. Like crusted urine around the toilet dirty. That's just not the expectation in my house, where I have 1 tiiiiny bathroom and 2 small kids. At any rate, after the last visit, I talked to my dad on the phone and asked if there was specifc language they use with the daughter to queue her that ok, we have had enough touching/hugging for now, or ok, a lady does not say that to a man unless they are romantic. The mother, in general, has a very hands-off approach and I also pointed out that while that is ok for them while they are at home, when she is in mine, I would really appreciate it if she would accompany her daughter to the restroom or at least check after her since she has repeatedly made mistakes that have resulted in my child stepping in her urine twice. I know that my children are not developmentally challenged, but I have cleaned up a bathroom after them many a time and would not expect another person to do it for me while I am a guest in their home.

My dad has moved 3 hours away and I expect the visits to get more frequent. Like I said, I spoke to him. He accused me of being prejudiced against every person with a disability. he said that I have issues and instead of turning down a hug I need to thank God each time I get a hug because she is the one who has to go through life with a disability. I should just accept it as is and be happy to clean her mess in the bathroom from time to time bc I am privileged to have a child who is not developmentally challenged (btw, although I do not have a child who is challenged, my husband and I seriously talk about adopting one in the future as long as we continue to have the means - Dad does not know this - it has been a goal of ours for a while now. And we plan to thank God every single day for that child as well!). My dad also admitted that he could tell that my husband was uncomfortable and said that he needs to do some soul-searching about it. My husband is now adamant that they cannot come back until we have an underdstanding because he is offended that they could tell he was uncomfortable in his own home and refused to take any steps to come to an understanding. he thinks it is cruel to the daughter to put her in situations like this where people may not know her and might be less-inclined to interact with her in the future if they truly do not understand her walk in life. The reason his family members give social queues, he says, is to ensure that they are continually invited and welcomed and because you must provide discipline to every child in the right amount in order to maximize their potential in life, special needs or not. That being said, we are not the experts here and we know this. Hence my post.

I just need thoughts on how to deal with this. If I am truly ignorant and cold-hearted, please recommend a book or a class or anything to help me get past this. I know that part of this is that I really want nothing to do with my father's wife - that is its own issue though, and I don't treat her kids poorly, I just don't call them up to chat or view them as siblings.  I also really hate cleaning the bathroom (it makes me cranky for like 30 seconds each time) , even after my own kids, but I do it because it must be done and I feel like I am responsible for it. I care about how my dad feels but moreover, I want to know if I am this bad person my dad says I am so that I can take a step back and re-evaluate what I see in the mirror.[/quote]

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