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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m going through this now with my 17 year old senior. We are just starting to change how we interact with him so this is new!

He has ASD and ADHD. absolutely will not accept help and resents any offers to help. He become angry when he doesn’t get his way. For anything that he has detihe should have (not material things, more like privileges or grades). Blames everyone and everything but zero insight on what he could have done differently or can do differently in the future.

He wanted all supports dropped for his senior year such as tutoring and executive functioning coaches and therapy. In his world, it was people telling him what to do and making him feel stupid. So, we did. And his grades reflect this new reality. Right now, his anger is that we have conditions on what we need to see before we agree to fund his college. He wants us to change our mind and we are holding firm which leads to more anger. We are also working with a parenting coach and I just started seeing my own therapist. Here is what I’m slowly (and a little sadly) coming to the realization: I can’t make him happy. It’s not my job and if he chooses to dwell in anger, he’s old enough to suffer the natural consequences- whether it’s deferring a year, losing friends, or just staying stuck. I am always here if he wants help or support of any kind. He knows that and it’s his choice not to use those supports. Second, I will validate his anger, sadness but will not offer solutions or platitudes to make him gain perspective on a situation. That’s his job and my job is to just “sit on the bench” with him. Third-I can validate his emotions but I will also draw boundaries. If he perservates or stays in anger, I will tell him I understand his feelings but will no longer engage. And finally, we have a very firm boundary about how he talks to us. If he is yelling, cursing or being disrespectful he gets an immediate consequence of his phone is turned off for 24 hours. I don’t explain why, I don’t give him a rationale or try to persuade him that being abusive and mean is hurtful. 
Basically, it’s more of the parents coming to grips with the limits of our ability to make our kids develop coping strategies once they become older and to do what we can to lovingly but firmly establish our own boundaries and let them suffer the natural consequences. I highly recommend individual therapy for you because it is so hard. Ive been in hyperaware mode for so long and keep hoping that the sheer force of my will, love and support will get through to him that dropping the rope is terrifying for me. [/quote]

This approach of understanding you can’t make him happy is so important. So many parents bend over backwards in attempts to appease their defiant kid and it backfires. [/quote]

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