Reply to What do women mean by emotional availability?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm sure everyone has a different opinion but for me it's 2 things.

1.  Don't hide your feelings behind macho BS.  If something is going on that's bothering you, I want to be with someone who can talk about it and not keep it inside and let it fester or build up into something bigger 
2.  Understand my emotional needs as well.  I work a stressful and at times, mentally exhausting, job.   I love that I can vent to DH and [b]he knows what to[/b] do or [b]say[/b].

Everyone has different levels of it.  I have friends who definitely have a higher emotional level than I do.  [/quote]

That's the hardest part for men IMO. The way we respond when women need emotional support is well intentioned, but often women perceive it as wrong. Men aren't  emotional communicator. IMO this is why sometimes we just stay quiet and respond as if we are walking on eggshells because a no response is superior to a bad response. But I'm other cases a non response is seen as not caring.[/quote]

No response will be seen as very uncaring in almost all situations. If someone shares their feelings with you and you just shut down, no one is ever going to think that's a good response.

I think the main thing men (and women, there are also women who don't get this) need to understand is that generally when someone shares their emotions with you, they are not asking for help solving a problem. They may not even perceive themselves as having a problem -- they are just processing emotions. So the "wrong" response is usually to focus on logistics or circumstances around the emotion and suggest way to fix it. But no one asked for that and again, the thing you are trying to fix might not even be a problem. They just wanted to share their feelings and have someone hear them. That's it. The problem was feeling alone in their emotions and the fix is to hear and receive those emotions so they are not alone.

Example: your girlfriend comes to you emotional over having lost a plum work assignment to a colleague. She expresses feeling inadequate at work, her doubts about having chosen that industry, and fear that she will never accomplish her work goals. She is not actually asking you for career advice and she may not even need career advice. It's normal to sometimes have insecurities at work, to question your career choices, or to worry about the future. These are extremely normal emotions and everyone has them sometimes, even very successful people. All she wants is for you to hear that, perhaps validate that those feelings are pretty normal, and maybe let her know that you believe in her. That's it. It's actually *easier* than attempting to go into full on career advisor mode. She's not looking for a career advisor (and if she was, no offense, but she might look for someone who works in her industry or has more experience or can view her situation more objectively, not you). She's looking for a boyfriend who will just say "ugh, that sucks, I wish you'd gotten that assignment too! totally reasonable that would make you ask these questions, I think anyone would feel that way. But also I just think you're very smart and capable and you'll navigate this like you always have." No judgement, just support. It's honestly not even that hard.[/quote]

Why can't she preface it by saying "I am not seeking your advice...", but instead expects you to guess the appropriate ways to respond. Just be direct with what you want.[/quote]

Wait, so are you telling me that any time my husband talks about problems at work, he is looking for me to give him career advice?[/quote]

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