Reply to Any shared insights / lessons learned on designing best-for-kids custody situations

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This reads like he isn't very interested in parenting time and you are trying to be extremely accommodating in the hopes that he will be a more involved father than he actually wants to be. [/quote]

Op here. Thank you for the objective read. What do you think is the right choice if that is the situation. Be less accommodating? Expect he won't be involved and just plan on that? Or push him to take more time and [b]force him to become an involved parent[/b] (several people have given me this advice in real life, but I have my doubts about what it looks like in practice)?[/quote]

Well, you're right to have doubts. I don't think you can actually force him to be a good parent. He'll just be a sh*tty parent for longer periods of time, or cancel more often, or hire a lot of help or fly in his mom or something.

Some kids prefer to have every week same routine. Other kids prefer not to go more than a few days without seeing either parent. Other kids have reasonable logistical reasons to prefer a certain schedule (like one parent's house is nearer to an activity that they do once a week). Some kids like consistency, others appreciate flexibility. Nobody can tell you what your kids will care about most.

As your kids grow older they will likely want more autonomy. They might not want the same things as each other. They may have times when they don't go to the same school as each other, or have very different activity schedules. There's really no way to predict this in advance. You can't make a schedule now and expect it to work until they are 18+. That's not how child development works. Expect it to be renegotiated.

Don't forget to consider the unexpected-- snow days, sick days, etc. Think through your ROFR language and what he's likely to do to cover time when he's got custody but has a conflict-- a nanny service? Friends, family? A babysitter? Remember, you won't have any control over what he chooses to do for childcare. It's not a violation for him to use childcare, as long as he observes whatever ROFR you agreed on.

It sounds like you're going to get the lion's share either way-- either by agreeing to it in advance or by him trying to shirk and playing the My Job So Important card. So I think it's better for you to agree to it in advance because then you can have a more consistent schedule, and also get child support accordingly. If you agree to 50/50 and he doesn't do his share, it'll be a whole process to get child support increased.[/quote]

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