Reply to Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?

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[quote=Anonymous]This is pretty specific, but I’m in the middle of divorce negotiations and DH, who travels randomly and at the last minute for work, insists that he can do 50/50 and that his mother will fill in when he has to travel. Here’s the rub: she lives in the UK. He says it is no big deal to fly her out as needed, and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times. Not only is his mother overseas, but she is elderly and unpredictable, and also brings to the table some particular cultural prejudices and practices from her country of origin (not UK) that I do not want my child to be raised with.

We’re going into formal mediation as required by our state so there will be a process of “give to get”, and if we can’t come to an agreement we will have to go to court and take who knows what kind of plan the judge decides on. So I feel like I need to think through my tradeoffs.

The downside of putting in a right to first refusal for STBexMIL is that DH would reciprocate for my mom. Which is fine, except that at some point my mom will have to move in with me due to health issues and DC will be, say, 12 or 14 and enough to stay “home alone” with my mom around. But if DC was home alone, that would trigger the right of first refusal clause, so even if they wanted to stay home alone and my mom was there, they would have to go to DH’s.

Does anyone have experience with a right of first refusal clause and how your family actually managed it in practice? [/quote]

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