Reply to If you held off on divorcing because you didn’t want to lose your home or life as you know it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I stayed because I couldn’t imagine risking a situation where I wasn’t there all of the time to protect the kids.

And then out of nowhere he filed and I got served without warning.

Anything can happen and your life can turn on a dime even if you think you’re making the active choice to put up with whatever just to maintain a status quo that feels better than the unknown. You have less control than you think.

Now I’m fighting for custody with this cruel, scary person, and where I’ll live, what I’ll do, and what will happen to us is all totally unknown.

Right now I want you to hurry and do anything you can to protect yourself. Imagine he files tomorrow, in a week, or in a month, and work back from there. Documents are easier to get than you think so don’t panic about those. If you have an expense coming up that would come out of marital assets, buy it now. Do start attorney consults right this minute. Mine were rushed to meet a filing deadline and I wish I’d had more time and not been forced to react.[/quote]

This is what happened to me! In my mind "he would never" until he actually did (and was...) I'm sorry you went through this with kids. Mine are grown but I was still terrified to upend my life. I had worked my entire life but with his encouragement I had stopped working  a few years before he ran away because "we don't need your income". After decades together I believed he actually wanted me to find something more meaningful to do with my time and pursue interests I had placed on the back burner so he could travel extensively for work and build his business (and carry on affairs for years!!). That was a cold hard slap in the face and it was scary AF to find myself at my age without my career to fall back on.

And yet....I'm so grateful to him for pulling the plug. I decided to work on why I had decided to stay with someone like him for so long with whom I shared zero emotional or physical connection. His behavior has been awful so I wanted to look at all the red flags I ignored. We had an amazing physical connection when we first met. That fizzled pretty quickly. I now see I spent decades assuming that if there had once been a connection it had to still be there somewhere. Reader: it was not there.

The divorce process has been torture. My mild mannered considerate husband (lol) became an absolute monster and unleashed such venom and anger towards me while running around with "the love of his life".He refuses to settle the divorce and has used every stalling tactic possible. But I have never been happier in so many other ways and all the things I thought I couldn't live without were very poor substitutes for a loving, healthy relationship. There is indeed light at the end of the tunnel. He's furious that I have rebuilt my life without him. I can't get those years back so I don't beat myself up. I've done tons of therapy. I'm not interested in playing blame games or living in regret.

Losing your home and life as you know it feels absolutely terrifying and overwhelming until you're actually in it and working your way through it and you can start to see that those things were not a good tradeoff. Financial stability, a nice house, nice clothes and nice vacations do not make up for the hell of being married to the wrong person. You deserve better, and better doesn't have a price tag.[/quote]

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