Reply to Leaving people to wallow

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I've noticed a phenomenon when there's a rift between friends and partners. Often, I've seen one partner take the "victim L" of saying they just can't do better, keep up, etc. This role is usually played by someone who has said they want to change, want to do better, etc. Since they're giving up, the [i]relationship can't go anywhere[/i], including anywhere that would be a better closure.

I have to admit, I have wasted WAY too much time engaging these people, trying to listen, trying to help, trying to offer support or gentle guidance... The truth seems to be that they just want to take the victimese exit from whatever problems they have, especially when they're the cause of those problems. When confronted with how their own behavior has caused harm or upset, they will usually spiral into some self-loathing or "I guess I'm just not good enough". They seem to expect that they'll be allowed a pass out of their damage because, well, they just can't do anything about it. I don't want to be harsh, but I feel like it might be best to just leave these people in their pity pool. Am I missing something?

Is there a way to get through to these folks? Are they genuinely struggling, or is this just weaponized incompetence in an emotional sense?[/quote]

There are happy with the relationship as is or they are happy it for it to disappear, depending on circumstances. Your whole post is a expression of frustration that you can't make an adult do what you want no matter how hard you try, no matter what clever phrases you use--yes. None of us have this power.[/quote]

Manbaby behavior alert! "You can't make me change" while "technically correct" (i.e. the best kind of correct) is a full-on admission of guilt: "I know it's wrong AND I know you're powerless to stop me!" Only people who get off on their partner's helplessness would engage in that sort of behavior. I don't want to make someone change. I don't want to be with someone who has to be taught or told to analyze their own behavior and change the harmful parts. I don't want another child to raise.

And while I'm sure some of these people would be happy if the whole situation just magically disappeared, well, it doesn't work that way. You'll be accountable for the things you do, one way or another. Better to choose the easy way and just take responsibility.[/quote]

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