Reply to Leaving people to wallow

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I've noticed a phenomenon when there's a rift between friends and partners. Often, I've seen one partner take the "victim L" of saying they just can't do better, keep up, etc. This role is usually played by someone who has said they want to change, want to do better, etc. Since they're giving up, the [i]relationship can't go anywhere[/i], including anywhere that would be a better closure.

I have to admit, I have wasted WAY too much time engaging these people, trying to listen, trying to help, trying to offer support or gentle guidance... The truth seems to be that they just want to take the victimese exit from whatever problems they have, especially when they're the cause of those problems. When confronted with how their own behavior has caused harm or upset, they will usually spiral into some self-loathing or "I guess I'm just not good enough". They seem to expect that they'll be allowed a pass out of their damage because, well, they just can't do anything about it. I don't want to be harsh, but I feel like it might be best to just leave these people in their pity pool. Am I missing something?

Is there a way to get through to these folks? Are they genuinely struggling, or is this just weaponized incompetence in an emotional sense?[/quote]

There are happy with the relationship as is or they are happy it for it to disappear, depending on circumstances. Your whole post is a expression of frustration that you can't make an adult do what you want no matter how hard you try, no matter what clever phrases you use--yes. None of us have this power.[/quote]

Rude, but not wrong, I guess. I might want an adult to act, you know, like an adult, but you're correct: that can't be forced. [/quote]

Behavior like this makes no sense to honest people, which is why honest people waste their time trying to understand and figure it out. Dishonest people take advantage of this. Good people invest extra energy trying to "help" people who have been dishonest about wanting help and/or wanting to change.

The moment you recognize this dynamic, cut them loose. There's no solving people like this because they get off on the games, not the resolution. They'll often seek patient, empathetic people as partners because they get their needs met with the manipulations, and other people don't care enough to try to figure out the rules of whatever game's at play.

Don't be surprised if the jerks "hoover" you back in if/when you leave. They don't care about you, but they can't/won't leave you alone either. If you try to leave, they'll cry and pretend to want to make up, then increase the manipulations and guilt trips, even threatening suicide, just to keep your attention. [/quote]

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