Reply to Leaving people to wallow

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I've noticed a phenomenon when there's a rift between friends and partners. Often, I've seen one partner take the "victim L" of saying they just can't do better, keep up, etc. This role is usually played by someone who has said they want to change, want to do better, etc. Since they're giving up, the relationship can't go anywhere, including anywhere that would be a better closure.

I have to admit, I have wasted WAY too much time engaging these people, trying to listen, trying to help, trying to offer support or gentle guidance... The truth seems to be that they just want to take the victimese exit from whatever problems they have, especially when they're the cause of those problems. When confronted with how their own behavior has caused harm or upset, they will usually spiral into some self-loathing or "I guess I'm just not good enough". They seem to expect that they'll be allowed a pass out of their damage because, well, they just can't do anything about it. I don't want to be harsh, but I feel like it might be best to just leave these people in their pity pool. Am I missing something?

Is there a way to get through to these folks? Are they genuinely struggling, or is this just weaponized incompetence in an emotional sense?[/quote]

Some people will go to great lengths trying to convince you that taking responsibility for their actions is some sort of herculean task. Honestly, for people who weren't raised to be accountable for their behavior, it kinda is. They don't have the tools necessary to analyze their own behavior, and the impact they have on others, and then take responsibility for repairing whatever rupture they caused in the relationship. Some people just ghost at this phase. Others, perhaps realizing that ghosting is a coward's out, try to get YOU to leave. They're not going to change. You've seen what they're really like. And the sob story they're telling you about how they want better is hollow af. If they wanted better, they'd be working toward better. Once is a mistake, twice is a choice, thrice is a pattern.

In short, no, they're not genuinely struggling. They're just hoping you see it that way so you keep cutting them slack and giving them chances instead of holding the accountable (at which point, they may ghost), or even that you'll leave in frustration, removing the need for them to be responsible for their behavior(s). [/quote]

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