Reply to How to deal with a parent who is losing will to fight to live

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thank you for all your replies. My parent is 73 and in Europe.

My parent chose the treatment. I haven’t made any decisions for them. However, the recovery is grueling and staff is reaching out to me to “push parent” to try harder.

I do suspect depression and exhaustion due to poorly controlled pain (I have no say in this and the pain might be due to the type of surgery). It has been heartbreaking for the entire family to watch my parent suffer and I am torn between continuing the recovery and what, at this moment, my parent seems to be asking for. The thing is, if we stop the recovery effort, they would linger in even worse pain.

It seems like an impossible situation.

Doctors claim there is a real chance for a full recovery.[/quote]

1. You need to push for better pain management. The medical establishment is horrible at managing pain, and I say this as the wife and aunt of doctors. Pain is not their number of 1 priority, and the system is not set-up to allow for optimal and continuous pain relief. Instead of accepting what the doctors or staff are telling you, tell them it's on THEM to give better and more timely pain relief to their patient. .

2. Also, your parent needs to be accompanied. They are probably very confused about what's happening, which is a common consequence of major surgery. Some loving friend or relative needs to coax out of them what they're feeling exactly and what they want, and act as go-between with the medical staff. This can be a very difficult role. My doctor husband has been the go-between for his mother (Parkinson's and cardiac insufficiency) and her specialists, and even with all his knowledge of his mother, and his medical training, it can be hard to address her needs with the right meds, procedures and physical therapy. Sometimes there are no good solutions and his mother cannot avoid pain and discomfort, which is very depressing. She has expressed regret that she ever approved her pacemaker, because now she will die of the consequences of her Parkinson's, which is becoming very debilitating. This is how hard it is.

3. Alternatively, if your parent wishes it, they can go to Switzerland and book an appointment to terminate their life. That is a legitimate choice too![/quote]

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