Reply to Has anyone solved the escalating meltdown problem (teen AudHD)? Need hope/advice.

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[quote=Anonymous]I do not have ADHD but I had explosive, anxiety driven anger tantrums until I was in my 30’s. I’m a woman. I must say that now with perimenopause I’ve had the return of the anger, if not the all-out distructive behavior. I have found myself slamming down pots and being mean, though. I am normally a kind, gentle person and always have been. Hormones and brain chemistry are powerful.

However. We all have agency and choice in how we react to our anger. I didn’t stop tantruming until I truly understood it was unacceptable and that people were either afraid or disdainful of how I behaved when I was out of control. I had to really and truly want to change. It is so incredibly hard to control your behavior in the split second before it explodes that you need to be super motivated to do it.

Have you asked her to come up with a plan with you to mitigate outbursts? It might start with a word she uses to interrupt her thinking as it escalates - a word she can say, you can say to her, that also triggers her to do something else for a while as the anger dissipates enough to control it. Watch an ASMR video, take a walk, whatever she thinks might help. What does she do at school when her frustration flares?

And yes, you need to help her see that her behavior is not okay. NOT OKAY. You will love her always, but others won’t, and you won’t tolerate it either. Decide what you will do in response. Ignore is fine. A look, shrug, and walk away might be even more to the point.
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