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[quote=Anonymous]I'm 9 months ppd and finally feeling better but I wish I started medication earlier. I didn't start meds until 5 months and I regret how much time I spent faking it.

I don't even really remember big chunks of time and I want more than anything to hold my newborn one more time. I love this stage and I'm excited for the next stages but I'd give anything to hold her one more time as a tiny newborn.

I had a hard time feeding her and that paralyzed me emotionally. I was caught up on baby sleeping in the snoo and a 3 hr schedule once we were on bottles. And I was driving myself crazy. I thought baby hated me when she cried. I thought I was doing something wrong when she wouldn't sleep in the snoo or wasn't soothed in a few minutes. I felt like if I was really her mom she would respond to me. My husband says she did that I would hold her to my chest and she would quiet down but I just don't remember it that way. I felt so overwhelmed and so scared to be alone. I was waking up at 3/4am and cleaning the house every single morning. I told myself baby deserves a clean home. It wasn't dirty. I was so focused on the wrong thing and I know my mind and hormones were playing tricks with me. It scares me how frustrated I was and some of the thoughts I had about myself and my baby.

Around 6 months it started to feel better on meds and therapy. I was so scared I ruined our bond by trying to nurse and her just screaming or for her fussing to be held and me just picking up and putting her back down and thinking I was failing for contact naps. But she's my barnacle baby now. She wants to be looking at me or touching me if awake.

We don't stress about feeds now. She drinks pumped bottles and enjoys solids. we co sleep with safe 7 and she just sleeps peacefully.no crying. We contact nap for both naps every day. In the carrier or just snuggled up. I'm so much more relaxed and at ease now. I know it's not over completely but I wish I could have told myself that it could be like this at a few weeks.

I don't think I would have been comfortable co sleeping as a newborn but I would have taken all pressure off sleep. And enjoyed those contact naps.

Anyway. If anyone can relate I hope not but if so it gets better. I love my daughter so much and I'm so proud to put in the work to get healthy for her[/quote]

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