Reply to Husband w/mental health issues, poor executive functioning

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[quote=Anonymous]I am just beside myself with my husband, and I am moving towards the point of just asking him to leave the home but financially and emotionally the stress of having him move out right now at the end of the school year would be so difficult and would upset the kids so much that I don’t think it’s even worth it.  One of my kids is autistic and has ADHD while the other has ADHD.  I also have ADHD & anxiety. My husband has anxiety, depression and while evaluated, it was inconclusive for ADHD.  We suspect he may be on the spectrum.

His overall functioning has continued to deteriorate over the past few years in all areas.  It’s honestly like having a 3rd child with high needs AND having to do everything on my own AND having to clean up and fix all of his messes around me.  He doesn’t follow through with just about anything.  He will do the dishes but doesn’t consistently do the dishes every day and will ONLY take out the trash when it is completely overflowing once a week.  If something falls on the ground or is placed somewhere - that’s where it stays until I personally pick it up and do something with it.  There is no initiative to do anything with the children, our home, our yard, our cars, nothing.  He takes our older son to cub scouts and to karate weekly but doesn’t stay connected at all with special activities, things to work on at home, connecting with other parents to set up meet-ups or weekend events and so our son barely participates in any of that.  I manage all of their academic, therapy, social-emotional learning, behavioral, discipline, holidays, birthdays, play dates, family outings, family vacations, home organization, home cleaning, supporting the kids with learning chores, yard work, all family shopping (clothes, hygiene, ect.), managing health concerns & questions though he will physically take them if asked but I have to send specific questions and usually don’t get much out of those appointments.  I am the one who has to essentially be the parent with the children and make sound decisions.  He doesn't try to support positive routines, habits, and is deeply inconsistent with his parenting....sometimes he lets them do whatever they want and barely supervises them while other times he demands they do what he asks NOW or else he's taking away their tablets for a whole week in 5 seconds (he's incredibly unrealistic).  I have to constantly redirect and give parenting information to him (he hardly uses any of it) and be the one to enforce the rules. It's harmed our kids because while I try to be super consistent, engage in using natural consequences and model how to regulate, do chores, ect.....my husband does not do any of that. He sometimes grabs them up slightly forcefully to move them to put on their pj's and the kids start crying (they are not actually injured or bruised, more startled) but then he's like, "i wasn't trying to hurt them, you're fine, you're fine'.

I’ve tried everything! I started encouraging him more than 10 years ago that I was concerned with his mental health and he needed to be evaluated and work with a therapist and maybe 2 years ago I gave him a deadline that he needed to at least meet with a psychiatrist to explore medication, schedule an appointment with a therapist, and also schedule an appointment to check into his physical health with his snoring and he did those things at the very end of the deadline (6 months) and was diagnosed with sleep apnea, sees his psychiatrist in person but did actually wait another year for therapy and meets virtually once a week.  I’ve told him I think that his meds are not correct, that I’m really concerned about his well-being and how it is impacting our entire family and that he really needs more intensive therapy in-person…..he’s not open to really exploring that.

We have broken down the list of what he does vs. what I do, we’ve talked about weaponized incompetence and how he does in fact use that regularly to force me to take over tasks but me “dropping” his chores is ineffective because it results in unsanitary conditions or essentially neglecting the children or it harms them.  I meet with a therapist myself and she is worried about the amount of labor I do and how I am literally doing it ALL for everyone and managing a very high-stress job and the biggest stressor is the impact with my husband.  I have written down my thoughts and feelings on this and shared it with my husband (when I’m calm and I can think when I’m not exhausted) and he said that he read it and has been thinking about it but literally comes up with ZERO solutions.  I’ve told him that we need to hire a house cleaner and someone to help fix things around the house and help actually with some of the chores (maybe a mother’s helper) but he has turned this down and said that he will do the work.  I told him that we MUST pay for the help because he simply CANNOT or WILL NOT do the tasks himself and if he needs to get an extra part-time job to do it, so be it.  He hasn’t responded.  He chose to sign up for a very important professional licensing exam over our son’s bday & when we can take a family vacation and adamantly refused to change it, saying how important it was and refused to go with us on another special trip.  He asked me to take the kids out of town for the week before his test, so I am and I told him not to blow these sacrifices, money, and time….my parents have even offered to help pay for a freaking tutor for him because I told him he MUST have a tutor because it’s been so long and he needs 1-1 support, not just a virtual general class.  He literally never followed up and I have not seen him study literally at all.

He’ll specifically do tasks when I directly ask him to do that specific task but simply does not think more broadly about what needs to be done around the house.  Instead of thinking about the kitchen as, “I take the food out of the wrappers/peel/cut/cook and throw away the trash and put away the seasonings as I cook and then put the pans in the sink and soak them and then ask a child to help wash the dishes with me and teach them and load the dishwasher together, wipe counters, sweep the floor, take out the trash if full…..nope. He will make dinner (usually extremely late even if the easiest, quickest dinner) and will leave out all the trash, seasonings, pots, pans, everything all left around…..

I sent him another email with specific questions, concerns, and requests for our child’s birthday (today) and he failed to read it and then essentially defended NOT doing the things I asked because “I was busy at work and I only had time to skim it”.  I asked him to assemble the goody bags (I bought EVERYTHING myself) and they just literally needed to be assembled and should have taken maybe 15-20 min max…..1.5 hours later with a huge pile of trash all over the floor, he was done.  I had asked him to set up the streamers and put the 2 balloons in the living room with the bday banner up for our son to see when he woke up and nope, he ignored it entirely so I was rushing around this morning.  He ruined Easter by not helping and getting all upset when I asked him to help make dinner despite the fact that I spent my entire 3 day weekend caring for the kids, doing major housework, doing the egg hunt, and had prepared everything myself for the baskets, breakfast, ect. He grumbled and basically threw a fit and ruined dinner.

I honestly want him to leave the house for at least 1-2 weeks but he doesn’t have anywhere to go.  I’m not sure what I’m asking here but I’m at my wits end.  I think if he can get intensive therapy and THEN goes to family counseling then maybe we could try again but this is just not working.  I Need to just get through the day but maybe I need to talk to him tomorrow or sunday and ask him to please stay at a hotel for a few weeks, maybe under the pretense of needing to study for his exam so we can have a break.  idk ugg. I'm exhausted and burnt out.  :( 
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