Reply to How to get through a parent’s hospice intact

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[quote=Anonymous]My mom didn't make it into hospice but a couple of weeks before she died I ended up in the ER of the hospital she was in after fainting. Once they discharged me at 3 am I snuck into her room to return a phone charger and leave a note that I was ok. She was awake and asked me if I would mind staying for a little while. I sat next to her and held her hand and we chatted about inconsequential things. After about an hour, she was ready to sleep and I went home. It was really nice to just have quiet time together.

[quote=Anonymous]I'm sorry OP, such a hard thing to go through.  My two cents (and advice varies a bit for sure as pp's have said regarding the locations/distance involved.)

- prioritize quality time w/ your parent and let hospice manage any/all of the care to the maximum extent possible. Use the services and help to deal w/ the physical realities, use their expert advice about how to maximize quality time, and grab those minutes/hours.
- keep yourself sane and prioritize your kids' needs also. They all matter. Your parent would want you to be well and would not want their grandchildren to suffer anything as a result of their illness.
- don't be afraid to expose your kids to what it happening. My mother refused contact w/ her grandkids and my kids were really sorry they didn't get to see her. It would have been hard, for sure, but I wish they could have had one more visit with her, and the experience of being by a loved one's bedside in hard times.
- it won't be perfect. Whatever happens you will have grief and possibly regrets. Whatever happens, your parent will die and that is just so hard. There is no perfect way, and there is often pain and scary moments along the way. But hospice care can dramatically ease the path and they really, really know what they're doing. Let them guide you.
- remember that it really truly is ok, and even critical, to take care of yourself during this.

My mother's last weeks were fraught w/ terrifying times, then when we got hospice involved (way too late) she only had about 10 days left. There was an afternoon where she was calm, coherent, comfortable and the house was quiet. I spent about two hours chatting w/ her about her life, lots of inconsequential stuff, etc... It was a tiny little window of peace, during which she felt loved and happy, and I cherish it. Two hours amidst a sea of so much stress and pain, but two hours I wouldn't have had without hospice and an intentional decision to just sit with her when I and she could. There were a few other hours here and there, but that one afternoon stays with me as eternal comfort. So look for those moments and grab them when you can. And don't try to make every day full of them - you probably won't have that luxury, but a few hours can and will matter to all of you.

My sympathies. Be present, be kind to yourself, use ALL of the help you can, and know that you'll get through it. We all do, eventually.
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